Rep. Joe Wilson Ready to Capitalize On His Catchphrase "You Lie!"

WASHINGTON -- U.S. Rep. Joe Wilson, R-S.C., now infamous for his outburst at President Obama's joint session speech on health care, says he's going to "strike the iron while it's hot" putting out a new line of merchandise featuring his hilarious and popular catchphrase "You lie!"

"We're gonna get some t-shirts, ball caps, koozies, stuff like that for starters," said Wilson, from his office covered in "You Lie!" banners with a DJ spinning records on a "You Lie!" table, featuring a new Black Eyed Peas jam "You-You-You-You! You Lie!."

"You've gotta start small, but we're confident we're gonna get the ball rolling pretty good," Wilson said.

Fox has already devoted a thirty minute block of a new game show, You Lie!, to replace whatever show is dropped mid-season, in which contestants will either have to tell a tale about certain things they have done to Wilson's face, and he will proclaim whether or not they are telling the truth, by yelling "You lie!" or "You (don't) lie!"

"This is tantamount to other wonderful catchphrases that swept the nation in recent history, such as 'Eat My Shorts', "Whazzzzuuuupp?!", and 'Cool Beans,'" said Fox director of marketing Richard North. "Anybody who doesn't think we're going to milk this sucker is," North paused, while chuckling, "Well, I'd just have to say 'You lie!'"

The White House Communications Office, immediately after accepting Wilson's red-faced apology, began to work on their own counter-catchphrase, now deciding between "hell nah" and "b*tch please," with the latter currently in the lead.

Since You Asked...

I've been getting a few emails, calls, and such about this Harry Reid character in the Senate and his comments about my former and beloved employer, Stephens Media, where I worked for the Arkansas News Bureau as recently as July.

The Senate Majority Leader apparently hopes that the flagship paper of Stephens Media, the Las Vegas Review-Journal, "goes out of business."

Now the editorial staff out there in Nevada is decidedly less objective than the Bureau in Little Rock, and has an overt conservative slant, whereas Mr. Reid has an overt liberal slant. The two are bound to butt heads.

I'm not going to point out the obvious, that it's a rather boneheaded move for a Senator to hope that a not insignificant number of voters people lose their jobs, livelihoods, all that mess. That's a no-no.

But another no-no can be found in the irony of the Senator's statement. It occurs to me anyway, that by looking at Reid's polling numbers, which are comparable -- if not worse -- to Sen. Blanche Lincoln's dismal approval numbers, why, Sen. Reid might be out of business before the Review-Journal. And wouldn't that be just rich.

It's one thing to make a bold, acerbic statement against those whom you don't find to be favorable. It's another to do it when you find yourself to be in a pretty hapless situation your own self.

That's all I have to say about that.

Progressive Caucus Attempts To Woo Southern Democrats on Health Care With Big Bag of Meth

BIRMINGHAM -- In a last-ditch effort to garner some semblance of bipartisan support for the health care reform that has been vigorously debated in the August recess, progressive Democrats from the Northern states have extended a variety of concessions to Southern, conservative Democrats, including a big bag of methamphetamines.

"We're willing to play ball," said Barney Frank, D-Mass. "Let no man or woman say we didn't give this our best shot. We want to make sure this thing gets passed by any means necessary, and we know what it's going to take."

Along side the big cellophane bag of meth, other concessions include season tickets to various monster truck rallies touring the nation, a crate of sleeveless shirts that say "New England Patriots: 19-0", more frequent visits from the Oscar Meyer Wiener Mobile, as well as marking every brand of beer in bright orange and camouflage.

"Overalls will be permitted on the House floor and the Senate, permitting their approval, so long as shirts are also worn under them," continued Frank. "And all of the Capitol spittoons will be replaced in their original positions."

In other news, health care legislation has passed the House and looks to sail through the Senate as all of the majority of the Southern delegates gave abstaining votes, save for Gene Taylor, D-Mississippi, who gave a "nay" vote before taking his shirt off and spinning it around his head, chanting "USA! USA! USA!"

Why It Would Be Really Dumb to Switch Parties

There's some blog way down in Abbalama (pronounced just like that) purporting that some congressional Democrat is considering switching parties, becoming the Republican that so many of his vocal constituents aren't yelling at furiously. In there, someone blindly and ignorantly threw in the name Mike Ross as someone who might switch, being a conservative Democrat from a conservative state and being a headlining name for the time being.

Mike Ross, by the way, had to state for the record that he was remaining a Democrat. No news here; Ross has been loyal to the Democratic party since his days of driving around then-Gov. Bill Clinton. The Arkansas Democrat is a strange bird indeed, but it's been classified -- it's just a more conservative bird than the average.

But that just got me thinking about how dumb it would be for a politician to switch parties. I see no gain in it.

The obvious reason is the threat of inevitable defeat, which, I guess, makes it all okay. If a politician truly believes that a change of party has a better shot of winning than staying put, it is incumbent upon his survival to do so, no matter how embarressing. But even then, your numbers have to be terrible already.

Even then, it doesn't make sense though. Sometimes, like in the case of Pennsylvania Sen. Arlen Specter, you flee the party due to primary opposition. The best case scenario is seeing the opposition you fled in November instead of the spring, albeit, you'd be in a more favorable pool, assuming you make it through the primary of a party you obviously joined for purely political motives, rather than a "change of heart."

Ask Specter what he's thinking about those polling numbers these days, after the switch. Kinda makes Sen. Lincoln thank her lucky stars.

Othertimes, fleeing comes from the toxicity of one's native party. In the South (Sou-Prize, Sou-Prize, Sou-Prize!!!), Democrats are not viewed favorably. When it was a conservative Democrat running the show, it was tolerable for their conservative constituency to vote them in. Now, with Obama's admittedly more-liberal-than-most agenda, these Democrats not in the leadership roles are finding it hard to wear the same Democratic pins as those their constituency outright loathes.

For this Bama Boy, he would likely serve his constituency better by being a coveted swing vote than by being a roster addition to the weakened minority. As a Democratic swing vote, concessions could be made to make sure there's party unity. Take Ross, again, for example. He was able to fashion his health care halting not by being a conservative, but by being a conservative Democrat. And (no matter what Tim Griffin, the bullpen bully, is trying to rouse) Ross is sitting comfortably in Arkansas' Fourth.

To me, it just doesn't make a lot of sense. If you've got bad numbers, YOU've got bad numbers, and they'll likely follow you wherever you go, be that to the right or left. Bad luck, perhaps, forecasts that Democrats are up for a tough re-election in 2010. That's just the way it is. But for those who do jump ship, and trust me you'll see more, the uncharted waters will be just as untamed as their raging home seas.

The best bet would be to weather the storm.

Rahm Appoints Left Hand To Position of White House Bringer of Pain, Knuckle Sandwiches

WASHINGTON -- White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel on Monday announced that his left hand would be appointed as the White House Bringer of Pain and Knuckle Sandwiches, effective immediately.

"That's right, butterscotch. And he's ready to work," said the former Illinois congressman, who is often seen as one of the brains behind President Obama's quick-moving agenda.

"All those who want a one-way ticket on the Pain Train, step right up and get your ticket," said a sleeveless Emanuel. "And all you kids who think I'm kidding, you can come get a taste first."

Vice President Joe Biden says he's glad that someone will finally be able to enforce what the cabinet has been proposing since Day 1 of the Obama Administration.

"It's not like we want to take people to Fist City, but frankly, that's what it comes to sometimes in the Oval Office," said Biden, pointing to his own slightly blackened eye. "That's the price you pay."

The appointment marks the most recent addition to the Obama cabinet, including the Vice President's Chairman of the Bummer-Reduction task force, Attorney General Eric Holder's Viceroy of Keeping It Real, and Sec. of State Hillary Clinton's Director of National Thursday Nite Ladies' Nite.

PoLOLitical Stuff: Last Acts of Desperate Men

Fwank Bawks Back

At least he's calling it like he sees it.

Here's Barney Frank, who's to the Left of most anyone in the entirety of both houses of Congwess. He is an avid and die hard supporter of the proposed health care legislation, and his town hall meeting had all the familiar symptoms of those we've seen elsewhere, from New York to Missouri and Arkansas: rowdy.

But this is Bawney Fwank we're talking about here. Wowdy might be his middle name.

I have no problem with this, speaking independently of the situation at hand, regardless of any political affiliation one might have that would endorse or decry his fighting back. This is how legislation works. The people give, the delegate gives back. The politician ought to always be civil, but civility has never been exclusively set apart from standing your ground in the face of unrelenting and stubborn opposition, no matter how humorous standing your ground sounds.

Plus, I think the comparison to Nazis is a tad strong. Comparing things you oppose to Nazism is a move most white people have played out. It's lost its snazz. There are a number of different things sensible people could vocally oppose in this bill before having to compare it to the death of millions and millions of people due to overt and government-sponsored racism.

Anyway, he called the lady an alien dinner table. That was pretty funny.

Something That Rubbed Me The Wrong Way

And no, it wasn't the hot wings from lunch.

I don't know how this health care business is going to play out. I think we definitely need something to keep costs lower, eliminate inefficiencies, all that stuff, but I'm not entirely convinced that a government option is necessarily the way to go.

Honestly, with there being so many dead horses piling up in America's front yards, all fatalities due to blunt force trauma from the health care talking points, I just want there to be a conclusion. Yay or nay, but let's get it over with, I'm pretty unbiased.

But there's one point I'm hearing over and over again that really rubs me the wrong way. We're the only civilized country that doesn't have universal health care. This is used to decry that those Americans must be a bunch of backward, knuckle-dragging, booger-eating morons, if those Americans don't want universal health care.

Wanting universal health care is not a bad thing. Saying we need it because others have it is a whole other ball game.

My case in point, granted, an isolated one, but it got to me. France, yes, that civilized European parlor of love and elegance, France, outlawed burkhas. A 'burkha' for those of you out of the loop is a head-to-toe garment donned by devout and fundamentalist Muslim women. While that's kind of old news, I was reminded of it when I saw that a woman on the beach in France was arrested for wearing a full-body suit and mask, creating a waterproof beach burkha.

Creativity be damned, French officials said, and they arrested her for it.

A clear violation of personal rights --wearing clothing for religious purposes -- was not only passed into law in France, but is enforced as well. I just think it's really dumb to say that "oh, they're doing it!" that we must be remiss for not doing it here. The equivalent would be your local police officer knocking the yamacha off some rabbi's head.

This isn't to say that there aren't lessons we can't learn from the French (how DO they get croissants so fluffy?) and vice versa, or that these things have anything to do with one another. I'm not going to be ordering Freedom Fries anytime soon at my local McDonald's. I just think it's a shallow, useless point to be made in an argument, offered to the lowest common denominator of angry person who happens to be siding with universal health care.

Sorry. That just got to me. Carry on.

Because Some Things Are Worth Fighting For

This Is The Sound of Hitting Rock Bottom

So this, apparently, is ousted Illinois Governor Rod the Bod Blagojevich's hand at making an honest living: joining the ranks of professional Elvis impersonators.

God, this is painful.

Health Care Showdowns and Fisticuffs

People rising up and taking their message to the streets used to be one of the most powerful visual statements an organization or movement could make. The Civil Rights movement has been visually epitomized by images of folks like Martin Luther King, Jr., locked arm-in-arm with like-minded brothers and sisters in places like Birmingham and Memphis.

For the uninvolved layman, the nation's capitol and all of its monuments of the country's genesis and origins provides a potent stage, and has carried the messages of numerous movements, such as the Vietnam War protests at the Washington Monument's reflecting pool.

Grassroots movements aim to evoke that imagery and appeal, convincing and educating the common, everyday person to take up their picket and join the fight for whatever it is the organizers or those who have the most vested interest in the movement is proposing. Grassroots hope to appeal to that everyman and in doing so, multiply their ranks exponentially.

It's the whole point of any political campaign in general: Tell your message to as many people as there are willing to listen, and get them to tell others, so that they'll vote for you. That's pretty much the whole ball of wax right there. It's a fine method of pushing not only candidates, but also politically-driven agendas.

Like this health care thing, which has gone from complex and frustrating to loud and raucous. Democratic senators and congressional delegates are being met by what Sean Hannity would call mobs of people at their usually mundane town hall meetings to discuss the goings-on in Washington, with the topic du jour being, of course, health care reform.

They are met with taunts, jeers, and rowdy chants. Some even burn the politicians in effigy, which is not only over-the-line and overly aggressive, but outdated and exceedingly unoriginal. Democrats have been responding with outrage, leading some, like Arkansas' Sen. Blanche Lincoln to say they are "disrespectful and un-American," a statement which she later retracted.

The most common dismissal of these former TEA-partiers-turned "Obamacare"-protesters is that it's "Astroturfing," or fake-grassroots. They accuse the organizers to rile up and organizing these people to get out and throw about 8,000 monkey wrenches into the fast moving gears of the legislative machine.

The problem with that line of defense is that Democrats and Health Care Reform advocates do plenty of grassrooting and astroturfing of their own.

They send out pamphlets. They call people (and, aw horsefeathers, always around dinner time, too!) at their homes to talk about health care reform and why it needs to be done as quickly as possible and why Republicans and moderate Democrats are just wrong about everything, but especially health care reform, etc. etc. etc.

The pot is calling the kettle black, and the kettle is firing back about the pot being black, too. But if the pot and kettle have both been black for as long as cookware has been around, why would the pot or the kettle start acting offended by it (Ed. Note - Rampant Metaphor Running Amok? Check.)?

I think it has something to do with the lack of appeal of the march-on-wherever, or at least the diminishing of its impact. It's sort of like using a really good curse word: If it's used rarely, and only in appropriate situation, it connotes an appropriate amount of emotions or seriousness, or whatever the user is trying to portend. But if it's a guy who uses the word in the rigmarole of daily life, in any and all uses, in any and all contexts or mindsets, it loses its luster.

It'll still grab some people's attention, but for the most part, it'll just be a part of the droning noise. Grassroots movements are still potent, as seen by both health care former advocates and antagonists, and still can rile up a great bevy of those in the middle. But the fighting on either side, I would contend, isn't sneaky, dirty, underhanded, or a sign of a lack of message.

On either side, I say again. Those currently in the spotlight are the rightward health care dissuaders, crashing these town hall meetings. They are certainly going a little overboard, with reports of fistfighting going on over it. But their presence should not only be expected, but if their opposition is worth anything, countered.

And for the record, whining about their organization, when your side is clearly just as organized but not as effective, is not a good parry. Not saying Democrats or health care advocates should harpoon a big, stuffed John Boehner facsimile, but surely they've got some other statement or plan.

Lincoln: Up Yours, Vocal & Active Constituency!

I would have loved to have seen the look on Steve Patterson's face around 11 in the morning, as Sen. Lincoln was wrapping up her press conference with Arkansas reporters on Thursday.

Patterson, Lincoln's campaign manager who is most certainly gearing up for a tough re-election bid, was probably sitting in his office in Little Rock, or maybe even her office in D.C. Depending on if or how big his breakfast was, maybe he was thinking about lunch.

Should I go to Wendy's again? he might've been pondering. But I just went there yesterday...but nobody saw me. Maybe I can go there again...I did almost get the spicy chicken. Maybe I'll get that today. But those square patties are-...

Then he heard that buzz word, that word that says so much while spelling so little: un-American. He could've sworn he had heard it from his client, Sen. Lincoln's mouth.

She must be talking about how dumb and polarizing and really, really dumb it was to use that word to discuss a politically biased stance, he probably mused to himself. Man, that Bush guy really helped us out by doing that.

Then his expression probably became a little more grim, aspirations of a delicious chicken sandwich, Frosty, and routine incumbent election quickly evaporating into the vapors. Had Sen. Lincoln had just called several hundred of her vocal constituency "un-American?"

Hang on, Steve might've thought to himself, in that low, booming voice that I hope is his inner-thought voice as well, Blanche is smarter than this. He'd be right, too. Sen. Lincoln frustrates many conservatives with her ability to tread politically difficult matters with somewhat ease, if not persistent thoroughness. Being a Democrat, her party and those running it are decidedly more liberal than probably she is, but most certainly more so than her constituency is. She has threaded the needle, as they say, and done so quite well with such a large bull's eye on her back.

She may weave 27 minute answers to some questions, but she has her points, sticks to them, and rarely gives much away.

Oh, she couldn't have done that, Steve, time to lay off the crazy pills, this isn't a Styx and Kansas concert, laughed Patterson to himself.

“It’s so sad, because it’s diminishing to the process, it’s diminishing to our outcome...I think it’s sad that they choose to do that," he recalled her saying. "I think it’s un-American and disrespectful."

I am going to throw up all over these tasseled loafers, a now pale and mortified Arkansas campaign manager may have thought to himself.

She had. She had called her some of her most vocal constituency "un-American." Not only are they the most vocal, but judging by their likely political leanings, they're a constituency that would be most offended by being branded as "un-American." They're vocal, they're on the move, they're willing to campaign against her now for no wage or interest other than their own: They will be a terrible nightmare for business, thought Patterson.

Some of these nuts are running against her already, Patterson might have pondered, noting the growing roster of Ricky Randoms, many of whom nobody outside their small circle of friends and relatives would know, recognize, or lend any help to. All of those guys just got a little more credibility, the now-worry-wrought Steve Patterson might have thought.

Maybe it won't be that bad, he might have scrambled in his head, trying to weave his way around the situation. He'd be fooling himself. While it's certainly no "that Jew" statement, it certainly is self-stubbing of the toe. Sen. Lincoln tripped up, insulted her constituency (much in the same way that Curtis Coleman chap did, eh?), and now looks like she's going to have to eat those words in every debate and campaign ad.

Will it cost her the election? Doubtful, as all of her challengers are those people who are best defined as 'ambiguous.' But someone well-funded with a compelling narrative that's relatively well-liked? It could be a loud speed bump, and we're only just in August of 2009...There's time, Patterson might have concluded, both optimistically at the time to dig herself out of the hole presented here and in her polling numbers and pessimistically at the time for a real candidate to emerge.

What in the name of holy flying horse snot is going on with this campaign?! Patterson thought madly to himself, the only visible sign of his rising anger a small twitch of his left eyelid. You know what, I hate this freaking job! This has got to be the most worthless, hapless, hopeless re-election campaign I've ever been a part of. I wake up every morning, look at those poll numbers, and curl up in a little fetal ball and cry my eyes out, because this is just a mess, Patterson might have mused as his face became more red and his knuckles became more white. Two terms? TWO TERMS?! What kind of amateur, rookie, bush-league, open-mic night at the Apollo is this Senate race supposed to be, huh? Now fuming in his own mind, I swear to God Almighty I am going to go off on a Clark-Griswold-esque rant that may or may not involve me punching numerous interns and aides in the face and thrusting my head in the toilet until the someone drags me out and puts me in the dumpster out back with the rest of the toiletries and all the health care reform placards and pickets!

He paused. Inhaled.

"Uh...Blanche? I think we should issue a retraction."

Fwank to Woss: I See Yo-ah Blue Dawgs and Waise You the Pwogwessive Caucus

Sausage is getting made in the House on health care reform. And it ain't pretty.

First, Mike Ross and his 54-strong Blue Dog Coaltion put the brakes on the monorail-speed health care legislation. Ross claimed that the decidedly more liberal Party Leadership was excluding the input of moderate Democrats while hammering out legislation that would affect all constituencies.

It lead to a big stink being raised by the Blue Dogs, a signing of a letter, and subsequent concessions being made for moderates, namely the punting of the debate into September. Because nothing says "I'm dead freaking serious" like a sternly worded letter.

This effectively derailed the arrival of legislation past its deadline of before the August recess. Many have called this a tremendous victory for Ross and the Blue Dogs. Many Republicans are claiming that they have a newfound hope that they can stop this legislation as successfully as they did in the early 90's during the Clinton Administration, which I'm not sure was the intention of the Blue Dogs.

Not so fat fast!, says U.S. Rep. Barney Frank, D-Mass, and his band of mewwy cohawts. According to Patty O'Conner of O'Politic, House Democrats of the more liberal persuasion are running a play from the Blue Dog playbook. The Congressional Progressive Caucus, boasting a 83 member roster, has authored its own letter to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, reaffirming their goals to get health care legislation passed, including beinhg prepared to vote against any bill that doesn't require government-sponsored public health care plans to pay providers some multiple of Medicare costs.

Frank has already gone on the record to say that he would not vote for the health care legislation that seemed to be proposed at the compromisorial meeting between Waxman and the Blue Dogs.

There are 435 members of the House. 54 are Blue Dogs ready to stop this health care funride. 83 are in the Progressive Caucus and there are 178 Republicans, who now, by the way, are seeing an open door to bluntly opposing all of the proposed legislation lock, stock and barrel, without fear of partisan backlash - if the Democrats can't get on the same page, why should Republicans?

I'm no doctor but it seems like either 232 or 261 or maybe more stand ready to oppose this bill. Those shouldn't be confident numbers on either side. Expect this August recess to be less about hammering out policy and more about getting these Blue Dogs and these Progressives reading from the same page of the hymnal.

What In God's Name Is This 'Tim Griffin' Critter Up To?

It broke over my buddy David Sanders' tweets last week. He said the former-Senate-maybe, and former U.S. Attorney Tim Griffin had just got back from D.C. and was doing some thinking about running against that Mike "Shelmet" Ross, who currently happens to be probably one of the more powerful Congressmen in House right now.

The ever-sneaky Jason Tolbert picked up on an exchange between Jake Trapper of ABC, in which it seems Trapper had been picking up what Griffin had been laying down.

Griffin, raised in Magnolia but currently wheeling and dealing in Little Rock, says he's hearing from a lot of unhappy people in the fourth district. Being the benevolent and heroic leader of hope, charity and mercy he is, Griffin seems to be pondering a Crusade to alleviate the sorrows and famine of the 4th district against Mike Longshanks Ross.

Riiight.

Not saying anything about Ross or Griffin or anything like that, but let's take a gander at some facts and some history, shall we?

Mike Ross' Stick is Huge: President Obama, who every Arkansas delegate with whom I have spoken says is more liberal than themselves, is mighty popular and is aiming for some of that reform. Mike "Monkeywrench" Ross, leading the Blue Dog Democrats in the House on Health Care, said "Halt" and it was so.

The national media chalked it up to Harry Potterisms, like The Congressman Who Lived after standing up to Obama, not that Obama is anything like He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, but you know what I mean. Obama's powerful.

Needless to say, in a state that overwhelming shot Obama down at the polls, any standing up to Obama, over matters large and small, is duly noted by the voters. This isn't even the first time Ross has gone on record against the progressive agenda in the Legislative Branch. Ross made a lot of now forgotten noise over cap-and-trade legislation that went through his committee earlier in the session, voting squarely no, and telling me personally, that he thought the President, in this case, was and is wrong.

Not to mention that all of Arkansas' congressional delegates are comfortable and cozily ensconced in their respective district. Ross is sitting pretty, and I think a lot of people are aware of that.

Tim Griffin? Who?: Tim Griffin as a candidate is puzzling to me. He obviously is well-connected to a bevy of deep-pocketed friends in D.C. and elsewhere, which is absolutely clutch in a national election. But outside of that, as well as some conservative credentials that are also key in Arkansas, I'm not sure that Tim Griffin couldn't kick me in the face while holding hands with my mother without me going, "Who was that guy?"

In an election, you need a name, too. I will give him this, outside of being a U.S. Attorney, he has done pretty well getting his name out there, primarily by doing some saber-rattling about Blanche Lincoln. In political circles, people know Tim Griffin. But the walls can be pretty thick and insulated in those political circles. I'm not sure that the general public is too aware of his presence.

But what am I saying? He's been hearing from the people of the fourth.

Tim Griffin? No, really, who is he? What's he doing here?: Getting back to not so much about who Griffin is, but what exactly he's doing. As far as I know, Tim Griffin has no elected experience. He's a former opposition researcher, political strategist, and U.S. Attorney. I don't think any of those positions have been put to votes.

But like I said earlier, his noteworthy past thus far has been talking down Blanche Lincoln since December. He was the first and definitely the most vocal potential opponent against the Democratic Senator, whose tepid polling numbers are spelling a potentially tough re-election.

But as the months wore on, people like Kim Hendren jumping in the race before self-detonating, and a litany of others throwing their hat into the ring, with nary a peep from Griffin.

Many suspect that he had no real intention of running against Lincoln. Rather, he just wanted to keep her in check, make sure she voted conservatively on issues like card check, and basically keep her on the defensive by moving her re-election campaign up about six or eight months.

I'm not saying it's the case now, I'm just saying it might be, that Griffin & Co. is doing the same with Ross: They recognize a long-time and loyal Democrat, Ross, with a propensity to vote conservatively, and are aiming a making sure he stays that way, nervous of a Republican backlash in conservative Arkansas.

Griffin, who certainly has a political background, may lack the political C.V. to stand up against a strong candidate like Ross. But maybe that's not what he wants to do in the first place.

At the very least, he'll need a much more dominate follicle arrangement to compete with Ross.

Trying to Contemplate the Birther Issue Without Laughing

Conspiracy Theorists, I guess, make the world go 'round.

I remember them growing up. I had an uncle who swore the moon landing never happened. He also thought that actors and thespians were doing nothing but "glorified lying." The kid next door had a dad who thought that "we aren't getting the whole story" about JFK, Area 51, or where magnets come from.

But they were always marked with other overt eccentricities that pretty much fit the statements they had made. Now comes this laughable bit of forehead-slappery called "The Birther Issue," proponents of which contend that our President Barack Obama was not born in America and therefore is an invalid candidate to be President.

Smiling politely as people ramble incoherently about this ridiculous accusation is now not enough it seems. Lou Dobbs is giving it some legs, and today on Politico they discuss the headaches this conspiracy theory is giving elected officials of the GOP who want to maintain the semblance of rationality and credibility among everyone else but would like to avoid marginalizing these very vocal insane people voters.

If you can't feel the restraint in my writing, please understand it now.

It is ludicrous to suggest that the President is not an American citizen and can't be president. The Hawaiian government has gone on the record — unequivocally, irrefutably, and unambiguously on the record — to say that he was born in Hawaii, which I'm pretty sure is an American state. But they don't look American! bellows a Birther from his trailer bathroom, door conveniently left open for just such an occasion. Upon further research, Hawaii became the 50th state on August 21, 1959. It's a state in America, like Arkansas, Texas, Delaware, Vermont, California...even Idaho! Being born there makes someone a citizen, and therefore able to be President. If there's more digging that needs to be done, then by all means, dig away with all of the powers granted by the FOIA, but I don't guess that the flights from Delaware to Hawaii are going to be in any higher demand.

Fie!, cries another Birther after swallowing his Copenhagen in shock and dismay that I would suggest that the documents in Hawaii are in fact the real documents, not lookalikes swapped out by them danged ole Democrats. He done switched em up! he proclaims, grinning like Encyclopedia Brown after cracking a case.

Yes, those Democrats and their crafty ways. Having a man born in Kenya, trained in the dark arts of community development, being unleashed in to Ivy League law schools and on to Chicago, the Senate, and the Presidency, all over the course of 40 years. It's almost too easy.

Uh. Sure. Maybe. That's a blanket statement that can be applied to a whole lot of things, but until evidence is produced it's just noise, not to mention so crazy that it doesn't warrant rebuttal. My problem with such statements, other than the fact that they're hopeless thrashings of people who really can't stand that a guy with a middle name like 'Hussein' is president, is this: If there were any indication that there might be a speck of truth, a hint of validity, an iota of credibility to this potentially-derailing claim, don't you think that a political party with the vested interest in that derailment — the GOP — would have done something to do just that, and derail this charismatic, confident, and composed man who made a bee line to the Oval Office?

If there were any truth to the matter, people who are paid to find the deepest dirt in the world for big, big bucks would have been happy to deliver these goods and then never have to work a day in their life again. It'd be that important.

Sadly, such reason will never reach the brains of people who really think that Barack Obama shouldn't be President right now. He should. He was vetted. He was elected. He's in. But the last ditch effort of sore losers who have uncomfortable undertones that reek of good-ole-fashioned racism is really getting, quite frankly, embarrassing. As more and more people line up into this fold, it's going to not only damage the already-punch drunk GOP, but I fear politics in general. I don't think the public forum can sustain such an aberration and dearth of common sense.

And there's the objectivity of it all. I'm not decrying Republicans or hoisting Democrats — These people are just bad for business all around. Unless you can show me a detailed research proposal that can state otherwise, please drop this.

Michael Jackson's death may be ruled a manslaughter or maybe even a homicide. Have fun with that one.

Proof that Obama's Numbers Are Too Low

Fox's "So You Think You Can Dance" beat out Obama's primetime health care show case last night.

Seeing amateurs dance was more appealing to the masses than hearing the President talk about how the country might or might not provide health insurance for them.

Maybe next time Obama could moonwalk or something. That one lady on American Idol made a career by showing up in a bikini.

From the Dept. of Bad Angles: The Arkansas Business Cover

PoLOLitical Stuff: Punching, Time Travel and Nerds

Kicking Back

If you haven't noticed, I've been taking a few days away from the blog. Not only have the Bureau duties become a tad busier, but I'm taking a bit of a sabbatical from the UFW to recharge the cognitive juices. Despite the lackluster, shoddy, unedited, and what my good friend John Brummett would call "nothing but self-promulgating" of these posts, it takes awhile to come up with this stuff.

If something comes up that's really noteworthy, or divine inspiration strikes (both unlikely), I'll put something up. Otherwise, I'll toss up some PoLOLitical Stuff on Friday and we'll call it a week.

In the news business, I think this would be called an 'advisory.' I don't know. I'm merely a Youngblood and know not of such things.

PoLOLitical Stuff: Peeks, How to Dress, and the Future