This Is The Sound of Hitting Rock Bottom

So this, apparently, is ousted Illinois Governor Rod the Bod Blagojevich's hand at making an honest living: joining the ranks of professional Elvis impersonators.

God, this is painful.

Blago Strikes Again in the Form of Burris!

"Seat this man from Illinois!" they clamored.

"It's in the Constitution!" they roared.

"Illinois is being denied its proper representation in the United States Senate!" they bemoaned, slightly out of breath, because that's a mouthful to bemoan.

...a little premature now perhaps?

U.S. Senator Roland Burris was appointed to the Senate by ex-Gov. Rod "Cabbage Patch Genius" Blagojevich in the absence of some other guy whose name escapes me at the moment. Oh yeah. Barack Obama? Yeah, I think he got appointed to do something else.

Anywho, were Blago anybody but Blago — a name which has become synonymous with "liar," "cheat," "fink," "sleaze," "carnival worker," "pedophile," and "hack" —this appointment would have gone on with out suspicion or reservation. But under the remarkable circumstances surrounding our favorite Illinoisan, some people rightly balked at the idea.

Understand this wasn't at all because of Burris himself, but because of the man to whom he would owe his appointment. After saying the Senate would initially bar him from entry, after sitting down with the guy, they thought he'd be alright and backed off, allowing him in as one of their own.

But apparently, a little more digging needed to be done.

Burris is now under investigation by the ethics committee under suspicion of perjury. He remarked under oath that he had never campaigned or raised money for Blago in the past and had some questionable dealings with Rod's brother, Rob (real original names by the way, Mom and Pop Blagojevich), a rather high bar when determining whether or not this appointee has a history of any affections toward the then-soon-to-be-now-ex-governor.

This just bugs me, because the entire time the Burris deal was in the news, the pace felt a little too fast for me. I mean, governors have been ousted before (Jim Guy Tucker ring any bells for you native Arkansans?), but this was a pretty serious offense on the part of Blagojevich. One that likely dealt with other people, mind you; this couldn't have been a one man show.

There had to be people on the other end. And if the Chicago Sun-Times' Mark Brown is at least partly right, and Burris was literally begging anyone who had ears for an appointment, doesn't it rub someone the wrong way that maybe —and this is pure speculation— Burris could be one of those purchasers?

That's the whole point. But expedience took precedent over thoroughness, even if Burris is acquitted of all suspicions or charges. If they had done their jobs in the first place, perhaps this mess could've been sorted out earlier.

'Innocent until proven guilty' never applied to public appeal, and suspicion is wholly independent from guilt or innocence, merely a means to one of those ends. And suspicion carries its own weight.

I said in an earlier piece regarding the economic stimulus that I look forward to seeing if it will be labeled as noble expedience or stubborn hastiness on the part of Obama and Congress to get that bill passed. I think the latter, now using our premiere-view 20/20 hindsighting lenses, now applies .

BlagOusted: To Pick Up Office Belongings Later, Has No Friends

"So yeah, I'm just going to go ahead and get out of here, there is a back door, right?...Yeah, Terry, just put all that stuff in one of those paper crates and ship 'em to the Misses." - Rod the Retahd Blagojevich

Impeached Gov. Rod Blagojevich was removed from office forcibly and violently today in a spectacle that many called "The Most Terrific and Vicious Physical Beating of All-Mankind."

Blagojevich rambled incoherently for an hour and a half prior to the beating. He then was informed that he had absolutely no friends whatsoever, being ousted 59 - 0, with constituents' taunting emails and text messages being scrolled across a projected screen.

Blagojevich was left to get the remaining Far Side desk calenders and paperweights from his office at a later date, and then was pumbled by Chicago gangsters "Moose" and "Rocco."

Governor Retahd Digs a Deeper Grave

When I was about eight or nine years old, I decided it would be an awesome idea to try out a lot of my dad's power tools, namely the power drills, when the folks were out. I quietly absconded with the machinery into my bedroom and began drilling through anything and everything in my room. Toys, books, pillows; it was all gravy.

Then I decided to grow up a bit and get to some more productive drilling. That wall had to go. I drilled about ten holes in the drywall in between my room and my brother's room. Only after I had calmed down from my drilling frenzy did I think, Maybe...Just MAYBE this was a bad idea. I moved my dresser over the destructed wall but to no avail — Scotty the Body (aka Dad) found the destruction and questioned me immediately about my obvious transgressions.

I stood poised to create a whimsical and fantastical defense. I rose like Clarence Darrow, ready to weave some sort of intelligible alibi, likely impugning my little brother or our cross-eyed neighbor. As I opened my mouth, my Dad quickly cut me off and laid down some logic that to this day I believe to be true.

"Son, don't lie to me. We both know what you did. If you lie to me now, it's only going to get a lot worse. So just tell me the truth, and we can deal with it. But don't lie; you're only going to make it worse."

I learned two things that day: reckless drilling leads to sore backsides, and getting caught lying leads to much worse.

So you can see why I might be so frustrated at this ex-Gov. Rod The Retahd Blagojevich, not so much for his stupidity in the first place, but at his added stupidity with this media-rampage that is keeping the regular guests off The View. Just thinking about all of the sexy guests and rising stars that could have been on that show instead of some awkwardly-haired liar.

On a quick sidenote, there is something ungood about that guy's follicle arrangement. It's too thick to be declared fraudulent, yet far too shapely and too life-of-its-own-like to be considered mere hair. More on that as it develops, I suppose.

Anyway, the FBI has been tailing this guy for months for all sorts of differnt misgivings and errors, from extortion and laundering and abuse of power. So they're recording him. Then, they get something they can't just keep to themselves: he tries to sell President Obama's vacant seat in the Senate. They have tapes. They have records. They have transcripts.

FBI agents testified to this point today during Blago's impeachment trials. From the AP:

Again and again, agent Daniel Cain told state senators he had accurately quoted Blagojevich in a sworn affidavit filed when the governor was arrested last month on federal corruption charges. At each stage, House prosecutor David Ellis displayed the most damning quote on a poster board.

The affidavit quoted Blagojevich saying his power to name a replacement to Obama's vacant Senate seat was a "valuable thing, you just don't give it away for nothing." Ellis asked if that was accurate.

Yes, Cain replied.

Did he say, "I've got this thing and it's (expletive) golden, and uh, uh I'm just not giving it up for (expletive) nothing"?

Yes, Cain said.

Did he say, "I want to make money"?

Yes, Cain said.

The lawyer here obviously tracked his thoughts very carefully, so as not to be encumbered by any legal ambiguity. For the record, the FBI agent said Blago called the seat a "golden opportunity" that he wasn't going to "give away for forking nothing."

The hand is in the cookie jar. The holes have been drilled in the wall. Here's where you grin to yourself, then go before the media, resign, and wait it out until someone else messes up and you're quickly forgotten. You're politically out, but maybe after a grand jury hearing, some form of "punishment" or a slap on the proverbial wrist, and you're back out there, writing books and doing charity boxing matches against Danny Bonaduce.

But no. Rod the Retahd decides he's not going to give up anything he hasn't worked/stolen hard to make during his career, cut no losses, and run his name as far into the mantle of the earth as possible, never to be seen again.

The media blitz he is running isn't necessarily one of the more innovative of all time, but then again, Johnny Cochran has been gone for sometime.

He's using the Ole Out of Context bit, which is about as keen as the Ole Pull a Dollar by a String Gag, and the Ole I Got Your Nose Bit O' Sorcery.

"In the end, a lot of it was talk and exploring ideas," Blagojevich said. "I never, ever intended to violate any criminal law."

I can't wait for this guy to actually be prosecuted. Scotty the Body said it first: It's only going to get worse.

Blago will be selling a different seat in prison.