Progressive Caucus Attempts To Woo Southern Democrats on Health Care With Big Bag of Meth

BIRMINGHAM -- In a last-ditch effort to garner some semblance of bipartisan support for the health care reform that has been vigorously debated in the August recess, progressive Democrats from the Northern states have extended a variety of concessions to Southern, conservative Democrats, including a big bag of methamphetamines.

"We're willing to play ball," said Barney Frank, D-Mass. "Let no man or woman say we didn't give this our best shot. We want to make sure this thing gets passed by any means necessary, and we know what it's going to take."

Along side the big cellophane bag of meth, other concessions include season tickets to various monster truck rallies touring the nation, a crate of sleeveless shirts that say "New England Patriots: 19-0", more frequent visits from the Oscar Meyer Wiener Mobile, as well as marking every brand of beer in bright orange and camouflage.

"Overalls will be permitted on the House floor and the Senate, permitting their approval, so long as shirts are also worn under them," continued Frank. "And all of the Capitol spittoons will be replaced in their original positions."

In other news, health care legislation has passed the House and looks to sail through the Senate as all of the majority of the Southern delegates gave abstaining votes, save for Gene Taylor, D-Mississippi, who gave a "nay" vote before taking his shirt off and spinning it around his head, chanting "USA! USA! USA!"