Delicately Handling The Curmudgeon Sector

Very good work here from the Beltway webbing site Politico regarding the woes that President Obama is having to deal with regarding health care. Senior citizens are some of the ones making the most noise at these health care town hall meetings that is giving Democrats fits and giving those on the far aisles of the right-wing fits of giggling.

This probably accounts for the amount of cane-related injuries involved. And why I've been hearing the terms "whippersnapper" and "fiddlefartin'" flying around so often.

While this is a problem for Obama right now, peddling to the geriatric masses is something all politicians have to find a way to deal with. They vote in record numbers, they're the most vocal constituency that most the delegates have, they're inherently suspicious after decades of experience in dealing with politicians, politicians, by the way, who are now a few decades their junior, and if they ever joined together to form some kind of compact or union, could crush America under their army of Panzeresque Buicks.

Put it this way: If Seniors could ever muster the technological know-how to create a blog, it'd be the most rabid and most updated blog out there. It'd make Matt Drudge look like Walter Cronkite.

Point being, they're a handful for anybody. It's time somebody put together some political rules to dealing with our octogenarian friends, and their older buddies.

Have Everything Wrapped Up By 4:30 pm: They're up every day around 4:30 in the morning. The Early Bird Special goes from 4 to 6, and Golden Girls comes on right before bed, around 6:30. If they make it to 8 in the evening, Murder She Wrote comes on, forcing seniors to stay up until 9. God help us if it's a Wednesday night and those two Matlock episodes come on (back to back!).

Point being, have stuff wrapped up promptly. As soon as you see some guy leaning in his seat to stretch out his high-socked leg, it's time to close up shop: You've said everything they're going to hear.

Speak Louder: It doesn't matter how loudly you're speaking, sir or ma'am, I'm going to need you to speak up. Speak up. No really, shouting is not offensive. Just soften your natural-yelling expression a little bit, sonny, no blue-faced young buck is going to tell that guy what's good and bad for him by talking down to him like that, by God.

It's just that they can't hear you in the back or the middle. Or really past the third row. If you're speaking as loud as humanly possible without ripping your vocal chords into shreds like a Quentin Tarantino film, maybe invest in some speakers that go up to eleven. Or some of those little ear horns that look like gramophones for your ear hole.

Otherwise be accused of not telling these people anything. Sure, four people in that stadium might have heard you, but it's very likely that even if they heard you, they already forgot what it was you were saying. So, speak up or sit down. Now that Perry Como, he could talk to an audience.

Offer Free Stuff: And not campaign stickers. Fans, glasses, tee-shirts, gift cards. These people lived through the Depression, and many think they're in one again. It is their impulse to hoard and thank their benevolent granters.

Plus, some have many dozens of grandchildren, all of which in need of a good stocking stuffer.

Don't Eat Your Dinner In The Living Room: Just don't do it. Same rule goes for lounging on your bed with your feet by the pillows. That's what recliners are for, butterscotch. If any pictures of these activities, please post them online where they will be hitherto unattainable to anyone over the age of 65.

Reference 'The Good Ole Days' As Much As Humanly Possible: It doesn't matter that taxes, percentage-wise, were higher when Reagan was in office. It doesn't matter that things like segregated schools and water fountains existed. Ignore any and all progress society has made over the last 50 years or so.

Referencing 'The Good Ole Days' doesn't necessarily remind people of how good it really used to be before these kids screwed everything up, with their rap/rock and roll and their baggy pants, and their women working in gainful employment, because frankly, stuff wasn't as good as they "remember" it being.

But it gives them that old "reminding" feeling when you reference those nostalgic days of yore. These instances of having that reminding feeling are also becoming more and more fleeting for this demographic, so one would do well to encourage a collective sort of remembrance, where one's constituency can simply nod their head, give slight and affirming gestures to those sitting around them, and look like they know what's going on, when in fact, they're trying to remember where they parked the Oldsmobile.

Attach Nazis To Your Opposition's Cause: It doesn't matter which side your on. Democrats, Republicans, Independents, heck, even Socialists and Communists would do well to relate whatever their opposition is doing and saying, or not doing and not saying, to Adolf Hitler, the Third Reich, the Luftwaffe or concentration camps.

All of these things associated with Naziism, certainly and undoubtedly evil, have become the only symbol of not only evil, but anything that's just bad. Everything bad in their life can somehow be channelled to hatred of Nazis, including osteoporosis, arthritis and that health care thing that the pretty Palin lady says is going to set up death camps.

And that Palin is a sassy lady who likes to show the ankles. She must be right.

Have Numerous Bathroom Stations Set Up: This goes without saying. If you're certain that these people need to hear your message, put speakers up in the restrooms or port-o-potties. Also, make them comfortable, they could be there awhile.