US Automakers to Punch 'Zoom Zoom' Kid in Face Repeatedly

Well, not literally, but the U.S. Auto Industry would do that and more if they thought it would pull them out of the proverbial pickle in which they find themselves currently.

The whole scene is would be pretty hilarious, were billions of dollars and the livelihoods of thousands of Americans at stake.

Basically you've got Moe, Larry and Curly — Chrysler, General Motors and Ford, respectively — find themselves in the midst of economic strife. They've been outsold by foreign markets for decades now, and their stubborn business model is now kicking them in the behind.

Chrysler and G.M. are already set to receive billions in aid; tax-payer bootstraps with which they can attempt to pull themselves up with. And all three are now to be supervised by the only person Obama trusts with his wallet and/or fanny pack, Timmy Geithner, and the chairman of the National Economic Council, Lawrence H. Summers (hopefully the brother or cousin of Marc Summers of Nickelodeon lore, so we can hope to see some slime, gak, or at the very least, Fraggle Rock...it would be a banner day for America).

Summers and Geithner are the substitute for Obama's original idea for a Car Czar, which fell apart soon after the idea was proposed by an eight year old to say it ten times fast. They will oversee the committee that will be dragging the auto industries, seemingly against their will, into hopeful prosperity and self-sustenance. They will be a "resource" to approve the decisions that the leaders of these businesses have proven they have no such competency to do.

I say, good.

If there has ever been an industry that needs the heavy hand of government, it's the auto industry. They've been peddling and drubbing the American people for a very, very long time. They make cars that need too much maintenance and need too much fuel to run. They've been banking on the arrogance and nationalism of people who say "Hey man, I buy Amurican!" as people who drive Hondas and Toyotas fill up for about ten dollars and speed away without worrying about their cars breaking down.

It's obvious that the leaders of the Auto Industry have to be taken by the hand and walked like small children through the daily chores of running a business, but who said that the government was responsible for making sure a company was run well?

In November, when all of the auto giants were dusting off their coffers and their bean cans and going on Capitol Hill, Sen. Chris Dodd, D-Conn., said it best:

"Their board rooms in my view have been devoid of vision," said Sen. Dodd. "They have promoted and often driven the demand of inefficient, gas guzzling vehicles, and dismissed the threat of global warming."

Well put. And we're going to put these blind men behind the wheel of their businesses? Shouldn't the government effectively say "Up yours, buddy" to these inept slackers who have driven their own businesses into the ground?

The problem is that there are thousands of Americans who have jobs in the Auto Industry, who of no fault of their own, find their jobs and well-being at risk because their well-educated CEO decided that losing only $14 million last year was peachy enough to merit a bonus.

The government isn't bailing out the auto industry; they're bailing out the people who are lethally tethered to it, caught up in the wake of a large vessel that could very well be headed for a waterfall.

No doubt these companies will pat themselves on the back, award themselves bonuses and put themselves in a similar situation soon after all of their money is backed by tax payers and they give the utmost and strict assurances to pay the money back.

Fool me once, shame on you, but fool me twice, shame on me. That's the big question: After all this dust settles, are we going to let them have free reign to muck this business all up again? Maybe this bailout should be about the insurance of the well-being of the intended recipients of the bailout — the workers — and less about the bozos who made the bed in which they're now resting not-so-comfortably.

But they could totally start by wailing on that Zoom Zoom kid. It gets stuck in your head, you hear children whispering behind you, you start questioning every ethnic kid you see about which car is the best...it'd be in every one's best interest just to get him out of there.