Governor Retahd Digs a Deeper Grave

When I was about eight or nine years old, I decided it would be an awesome idea to try out a lot of my dad's power tools, namely the power drills, when the folks were out. I quietly absconded with the machinery into my bedroom and began drilling through anything and everything in my room. Toys, books, pillows; it was all gravy.

Then I decided to grow up a bit and get to some more productive drilling. That wall had to go. I drilled about ten holes in the drywall in between my room and my brother's room. Only after I had calmed down from my drilling frenzy did I think, Maybe...Just MAYBE this was a bad idea. I moved my dresser over the destructed wall but to no avail — Scotty the Body (aka Dad) found the destruction and questioned me immediately about my obvious transgressions.

I stood poised to create a whimsical and fantastical defense. I rose like Clarence Darrow, ready to weave some sort of intelligible alibi, likely impugning my little brother or our cross-eyed neighbor. As I opened my mouth, my Dad quickly cut me off and laid down some logic that to this day I believe to be true.

"Son, don't lie to me. We both know what you did. If you lie to me now, it's only going to get a lot worse. So just tell me the truth, and we can deal with it. But don't lie; you're only going to make it worse."

I learned two things that day: reckless drilling leads to sore backsides, and getting caught lying leads to much worse.

So you can see why I might be so frustrated at this ex-Gov. Rod The Retahd Blagojevich, not so much for his stupidity in the first place, but at his added stupidity with this media-rampage that is keeping the regular guests off The View. Just thinking about all of the sexy guests and rising stars that could have been on that show instead of some awkwardly-haired liar.

On a quick sidenote, there is something ungood about that guy's follicle arrangement. It's too thick to be declared fraudulent, yet far too shapely and too life-of-its-own-like to be considered mere hair. More on that as it develops, I suppose.

Anyway, the FBI has been tailing this guy for months for all sorts of differnt misgivings and errors, from extortion and laundering and abuse of power. So they're recording him. Then, they get something they can't just keep to themselves: he tries to sell President Obama's vacant seat in the Senate. They have tapes. They have records. They have transcripts.

FBI agents testified to this point today during Blago's impeachment trials. From the AP:

Again and again, agent Daniel Cain told state senators he had accurately quoted Blagojevich in a sworn affidavit filed when the governor was arrested last month on federal corruption charges. At each stage, House prosecutor David Ellis displayed the most damning quote on a poster board.

The affidavit quoted Blagojevich saying his power to name a replacement to Obama's vacant Senate seat was a "valuable thing, you just don't give it away for nothing." Ellis asked if that was accurate.

Yes, Cain replied.

Did he say, "I've got this thing and it's (expletive) golden, and uh, uh I'm just not giving it up for (expletive) nothing"?

Yes, Cain said.

Did he say, "I want to make money"?

Yes, Cain said.

The lawyer here obviously tracked his thoughts very carefully, so as not to be encumbered by any legal ambiguity. For the record, the FBI agent said Blago called the seat a "golden opportunity" that he wasn't going to "give away for forking nothing."

The hand is in the cookie jar. The holes have been drilled in the wall. Here's where you grin to yourself, then go before the media, resign, and wait it out until someone else messes up and you're quickly forgotten. You're politically out, but maybe after a grand jury hearing, some form of "punishment" or a slap on the proverbial wrist, and you're back out there, writing books and doing charity boxing matches against Danny Bonaduce.

But no. Rod the Retahd decides he's not going to give up anything he hasn't worked/stolen hard to make during his career, cut no losses, and run his name as far into the mantle of the earth as possible, never to be seen again.

The media blitz he is running isn't necessarily one of the more innovative of all time, but then again, Johnny Cochran has been gone for sometime.

He's using the Ole Out of Context bit, which is about as keen as the Ole Pull a Dollar by a String Gag, and the Ole I Got Your Nose Bit O' Sorcery.

"In the end, a lot of it was talk and exploring ideas," Blagojevich said. "I never, ever intended to violate any criminal law."

I can't wait for this guy to actually be prosecuted. Scotty the Body said it first: It's only going to get worse.

Blago will be selling a different seat in prison.