CelebRighties?! Omigah!

Normally — and I don't think this piece is an exception — I loathe celebrity news.

I mean I really hate it. Down to my very core. The Hollywood Gossip Mill does nothing for me. I don't care if Jennifer Aniston screws a beagle and that beagle learns to talk and spills the beans on what REALLY happened in the Pitt/Aniston household. It doesn't matter. She's hot and my shameful insecurities will not allow me to elaborate on the aesthetic qualities of Brad Pitt, but I hear he's quite the looker.

But I found this link, sent to me by our UFW Agent in Washington (UFWAW), to be of a higher caliber than just mere celebrity hogwash, and it actually relates to a book-topic I'll be proposing in the Spring (more on that story as it develops and surely dies a terrible, embarrassing death). The topic is the impact of entertainers (comedians, specifically) on the objectivity — or lack thereof — in contemporary media.

Naturally, the exception rather than the rule would be the ever-rare Conservative Celebrity. This article shows (and apparently updates) a wide array of conservative celebrities; some who you might expect and others you may just be baffled by.

Now these excerpts under the monikers don't distinguish between conservative and Republican, although many might object to that misnomer, but for these exercises, I think the point remains valid; conservative or GOP-advocate, the headliners are few and far between. Further dissection is prudent:

Expected Honkies

Now, you can expect there to be some people on this list. If the stereotype "All conservatives care about are rich people," is fulfilled, then certainly many of these celebrities would fall under the category. But there are a few names that don't shock anyone.

Clint Eastwood and Charlton Heston spearhead this Light Brigade. Heston was the face of the NRA, and still is even from the grave, and amid rumors of Eastwood perhaps going soft on the Left, he put out Gran Torino, which is Eastwood going righteous on some Asian-American gangsters with a slew of racial epithets that I didn't even know existed.

You've also got your high-brow honkies like Kelsey Grammer and Ben Stein, who add a hint of sophistication, and in the case of Grammer, a dizzying level of obscurity. Ben Stein is actually very popular in most circles, except for scientists, of course.

Then there's the garrulous Dennis Miller and the horn-rimmed Price is Right host Drew Carey. And one can't forget the washed up Italian folks, Tony Danza and Scott Baio.

One can also assume the entirety of the country music genre, because to do otherwise is career suicide. RE: Dixie Chicks. Enough said, although I will add that there was a collective sigh of relief from mainstream Americans everywhere, giving them the final reason to never want to listen to the Dixie Chicks ever again. Super-honky and Left Behind actor Kirk Cameron also goes on this list of people nobody cares about, but for actors.

But no one was surprised by these names on the list. The next few names are a few from the list, but just a few of the more noteworthy names.

Hurts the Program

These are a few names that maybe the GOP could stand to do without.

Kid Rock - Now the excerpt only says that Kid Rock is a registered Republican, but I think it's safe to say that this guy fits the trampled-upon Republican mold of Ignorant-Racist-Votes-for-Whitey. Everything this guy has touched is destroyed violently, just look at Vanilla Ice, who Rock emulated in his early days. The Right would do well to steer clear of this wife-beater-wearing collection of hair grease and ambiguously vulgar tats.

Jessica Simpson - Remember that bit about "everything they touch is destroyed violently?" Ditto on this lady. As fabulous as she was in the dialogue-limited role of Daisy Dukes in the Dukes of Hazzard re-barf, as well as subsequent Direct TV ads, but since then, nothing remarkable other than apparent weight-gain and the ruining of a Super Bowl-caliber squad of gentlemen known as the Dallas Cowboys. George W. Bush approves based on her ability to raise his relative rank in total GOP intelligence. Britney Spears also falls under this White-Trash-Bash scattegory.

Mel Gibson - Just in case racism isn't a big enough stigma in the Republican ranks, just to round the bases and even everything out, they grab a guy who hates Jews! Score! Braveheart did rule though.

Meatloaf - This one is a toss-up. Depending on which decade you're looking at, Meatloaf could be a beast of burden or a welcome guest to your party. My proclivities toward the movie Fight Club and the song "I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)" prohibit me from completely throwing the Loaf under the bus. But those cell phone commercials suck.

Helps the Program

Now these are guys you want on your side, and the GOP is thankful for their presence, while they may not like their music.

Karl Malone - Color me confused on this one, but hey, nobody's going to turn down the Mailman. I might chalk this up to a Charles-Barkely-esque move, where he goes Republican in step with wanting to protect his dozens and dozens of dollars. However, it cannot be said that Malone is Barkley-crazy. To do so would be folly, to borrow a line.

James Earl Jones - Darth Vader! You can't get any darker than the Dark Lord of the Sith, and he's an ardent Republican? Talk about the exception rather than the rule, and not in a racist way. Also, I don't mean to neglect Jones' sterling career in such films as The Sandlot, The Hunt for Red October, and The Lion King, but Star Wars trumps all.

LL Cool J - Not only did Cool James vote Republican, but he spoke at the 2004 Republican National Convention. But sure you could kind of see it; the relatively clean-rap lyrics, the movies like S.W.A.T. where he positively portrays police officers, the MTV Unplugged appearence, it's not too broad of a jump, albeit an unexpected one. Not like...

50 Cent - Curtis? Jackson? While many on the Left may think "Get Rich or Die Tryin'" is indeed a Republican slogan, none could have imagined that it was in fact the slogan of a Republican. CBS' excerpt says it all. Fiddy claimed: "I actually like Bush. In some ways, I'm the George W. Bush of hip hop — nobody likes me but I'm still gonna run it for the next four years."

Now you may have noticed a trend in the first four members of this group. That's because there was one! Gold star for you. An Africa-American presence definitely helps the image of the GOP, and it's my belief that until they can garner genuine support in larger numbers from that community, it will continue to hemorrhage as it clearly did in the 2006 and 2008 elections. Just my two cents. Sorry Fiddy.

Adam Sandler also helps the program, but his loyalty is certainly in question after the absence of his boy Rudy Giuliani from the political arena.

Supplexes the Program

(over the roar of System of a Down's "B.Y.O.B." and Monster Trucks)
SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SUNDAY! Come one! Come all and prepare to be SLAMMED! by the line-up of professional WRESTLERS and professional FIGHTERS and professional SNAKE HANDLERS who are making all of their unlikeminded political opponents their biggity BIAHHHH! Sponsored by Red Bull (TM), Mt. Dew (c), and nubitty-nine-oh-two, THE SCOURGE, your source for hit death metal music!

And kids seats are still just FIVE BUCKS!!!

The Rock - Someone with a name like Dwayne Johnson voting Republican is unremarkable at best. But The Rock going right is pretty nifty, not necessarily because the Rock was a wrestler, but because Johnson played football at Miami in So. Florida (ewww). I figured the U to harbor more of a liberal attitude while harboring their criminal minions. Even their classy athletes like Marvin Harrison can't go through a career without shooting someone at least once. I plead the fif.

Chuck Norris - Now this is a move that doesn't shock me one bit. Because if the mustache didn't give it away, the political stereotype will: Chuck Norris hates change. Norris was the only credible (?) supporter of former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee's Presidential Run's infant days. Just a big enough splash to warrant a couple of round house kicks to the-... okay, enough with the Chuck Norris jokes. They've been done before. Over. And over. And over again.

Coach Mike Ditka - Who would win in a legal battle? Ditka or SENATOR DITKA? That's right, the Hercules of Hurt is a GOP'er and a zealot at that. Now for some serious political discourse: Ditka very nearly challenged then-challenger Barack Obama for the the vacant Senate seat in 2004, but chose not to run. As Ahnold showed us in 2004, celebrity does carry with it a certain level of clout, and it's not out of the question to say that Ditka might've won handily, leaving Barack Obama to his own devices. Ditka's decision actually affected the events that lead to the first African-American President. Did that blow your mind?

Promotes the Supplex of the Program

Don King - Thank you, God! The most spectacular, most splendiforous, most spectoutrageous fight promoter since Lucifer tempted Christ in the desert, Don King and Don King's hair are both registered Republicans. As UFWAW put it, "It is awesome; Don King and John McCain have two things in common. They are both republicans and both killed men in the 60s." UFWAW was likely guffawing with high-ranking Senators as this was being discussed (no, seriously, I didn't make this informant up).

I feel like this can't be true, Don King is just too high/dumb to know the difference between political parties. Or maybe he's just outsmarting everyone by brilliantly feigning mildly flamboyant retardation. Anyway, file this under the "I Don't Know What to Make of Such an Anomaly" category.

Saves the Program

WAYNE NEWTON!!!
OmigahOmigahOmigahOmigahOmigah!