House Rules Committee (Verbally) Bludgeons AG McDaniel in the Head Repeatedly

The Gauntlet: She has been thrown.

News of Attorney General Dustin "The Dog Whisperer" McDaniel and his ethics reform bills spread like wildfire throughout the legislative halls. McDaniel's announcement of the twin bills, one to offer a "cooling off" period of a year to former legislators before they can get back into the legislators via lobbyists and another that makes legislators pay for food that they eat, came around the noon hour.

Shortly thereafter, a verbal fracas erupted, sending all those involved to the capitol nurses' offices for hot towel treatments, Flintstone vitamins, and even a thermometer for one of the legislators involved.

Rumor has it that as soon as the news broke from the AG's office, the House Rules committee, who is expected to deal with the ethics package once it takes the cakewalk through the Senate, kicked the doors to the office in, and in a very choreographed, and very deliberate way, began to verbally beat McDaniel until he could hardly put out a press release.

The committee, apparently after taking a short break following their choreographed number which provided "super intimidation," according to committee member Steve "The Bod" Harrellson, verbally ganged up on McDaniel to let him and his buddies know that nobody messes with legislators and their lunches or their potential lobbying careers.

(While chewing gum loudly) "You know, it's just stupid, ya know?" said an obviously frustrated Gregg "Don't Fear the" Reep. "I mean, I'm term limited, dog. I need a job after I get done with this. And I gotta eat. AM I RIGHT OR AM I RIGHT?!" Reep then used a capitol coat rack as a javelin and threw it through McDaniel's pick-up truck windshield, before starting a slow clap with the rest of the committee members.

Rep. Barry Hyde, D-Dogtown, said he'd had enough, but couldn't remember why.

Rick Saunders kept the perimeter secure during the entirety of the verbal fisticuffs, while holding a 40 pound boom box over his head, blaring Guns N Roses' Welcome to the Jungle.

"No more Miss Nice Gal," declared Kathy Webb. She then began to sternly dictate a House Concurrent Resolution entitled "Dustin McDaniel is a Big Stupid Dummy Who is Bad at His Job and Smells like a Foot," and filed it shortly after.

The bill is expected to sail through committees and chambers and is to be signed by Gov. Mike Beebe in a press conference as early as next Tuesday.

The sole Republican on the committee, Rick Green, R-Van Buren, was the only person who was uninvolved in the communal verbal thrashing. For partisan purposes, Green was asked by the committee to not get involved, but was allowed to quote "stand off to the side, and tremble with a real mean look in his eye, like he was the really crazy one of the group, because every group has THAT guy."

(While simultaneously flexing his calf muscles and dipping an entire can of Skoal)"AM I RIGHT?! AM I RIGHT?! GREEN IS CRAZY! AM I RIGHT?!" confirmed Gregg Reep again, starting yet another slow clap, then tying a black skull-and-cross bones bandanna around his head.

No comment from McDaniel, but he is said to be holding up well at the duplex of Sen. Steve Faris' in Malvern. Faris is carrying one of the bills in the Senate, and has assured McDaniel's safety from more verbal taunts.

Sen. Gilbert Baker, R-Conway, who is also carrying one of the ethics bills, offered to take McDaniel in, but his neighbor, Conway native Robbie Wills, said "Nah dog. Not in my house. Not in my house," and allegedly and verbally tossed a boutonniere-shaped brick through Baker's front bay window.

More on this story as it doesn't develop.

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So apparently, McDaniel is trying to get these ethical matters put to rest through legislative discourse. Conflict of interest is a big deal, after all, and even if there is none with these legislators or commission members-turned-lobbyists, or their meals on wheels, hadn't we at least discuss it?

Like in a committee? I'm not saying I'm for or against the bill, as it hasn't been fully considered yet. How can these leaders who say — before a bill has even been filed, mind you —that it's all going to be D.O.A.?

Just my two cents, but in order to be transparent, the unsettling feelings that surround these instances at least deserve...I don't know.... respectful consideration?