Awfully Dusty Around Here...So Go to zackstovall.com!

As you may have noticed if you've stopped by the UFW since, I dunno, SIX MONTHS AGO, this blog has run its course. I had a great time spitting some analysis out about politics, both national and Arkansas-centric, but, as a wise, old, toothless, cross-eyed man named John Brummett once told me, "If you don't have anything new or helpful to say on the matter, don't say it."

The day-to-day job of running this type of site was too much for my creative capacities and interest. I was getting around to not only repeating what everyone else was saying, but beginning to repeat what I was saying, which is weird and uncomfortable.

But if you liked this blog, you'll probably like my next venture, too. Zack Gets Down, zackstovall.com, is going to be more rants from me but on a more broad range of topics. There's going to be regular features, daily updates, pictures, video; everything your heart could hope for.

Anyway, I hope you'll stop on by there. It's going to be fun.

Best,

Zack

Has Everything That's Going To Be Said Been Said Already On Health Care?

The President last week gave a prime time address over the health care debacle that has the country in fits, one way or another. He didn't really get into too many details (I don't know about you, but I was very surprised by that [/sarcasm]). He did clear up what he said to be outright lies and mistruths on the matter, such as death panels and insurance for illegals, which lead to Joe Wilson making the unfortunate headlines of the evening and making Nancy Pelosi's contort into a shape that can only be described as really, really hilarious.

Conversely, Sen. John McCain went on to the Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien last week to discuss the matter in a more prime time setting, as he is the most respected Republican whose opinion is trusted and therefore the most credible voice of the party and as that setting is the only platform the GOP can wrangle at this point: the late night talk show circuit.

McCain didn't say much either, only that the real problem is that the two aisles are not coming together to speak and work together and that's getting America all angry. This was followed by a cheesy-electric-guitar sequence a la Full House, Growing Pains, Step by Step and every other family-based situational comedy from the early 90's, provided by Max Wienberg and the Tonight Show Band.

So you've got the two most respected voices of the respective parties -- Obama and McCain -- setting up a pretty loose fence, and inside, the same stuff we've been hearing about all summer. "We're not signing this without the public option." "We're not signing this thing if it has the public option." "We'll you're stupid." "Oh yeah? Well, YOU'RE stupid." "I'm going to hold a town hall meeting to explain the crap out of this thing for my constituents." "I'm going to load that meeting with people who don't want to hear anything you're saying, and yell things that I am almost certain you don't want to hear."

And on and on and on. Rinse. Repeat.

I don't think that anything that's going to be said on health care hasn't already been said. We're still waiting for the Senate Finance Committee to get in gear and put something out there that is supposedly going to be able to pay for this sweeping yet seemingly necessary reform. And barring some unexpected new kink they might throw into their bill -- which I'm told is not going to include a public option -- basically, you'll mash up all the House and Senate bills and voila! Health care reform bill.

Good luck getting it passed. The document, which I'm sure is just going to be a hellish gargantuan of a document that must feed on smaller House and Senate bills for sustenance, is probably going to have language that will offend both the right and the left. The former will dig in their heels, and the latter will use their majority to push. I don't see it getting passed.

Is there anything else to say? I think so. Nobody's willing to play ball. The left says they want a bipartisan bill, but have relinquished very little. The right also says they want a bipartisan bill, but have done quite a lot to simply kill the reform dead.

I think one of the biggest problems that the right has with the bill is that they believe the public option is simply a foot in the door for a single-payer system down the eventual road, which a lot of folks aren't going to get behind. The left seems mystified that they have a majority status and somehow their polling numbers have hit the bottom of the barrel since this health care "discussion" got started.

Politics is about giving, taking, and making deals, then gussying them up to show off to your constituency. Very rarely is it about seeing who's going to be the first team to loosen their grip.

Busy Today, But Here's This Bit O' Funny

White House Reveals Obama Is Bipolar, Has Entered Depressive Phase

Rep. Joe Wilson Ready to Capitalize On His Catchphrase "You Lie!"

WASHINGTON -- U.S. Rep. Joe Wilson, R-S.C., now infamous for his outburst at President Obama's joint session speech on health care, says he's going to "strike the iron while it's hot" putting out a new line of merchandise featuring his hilarious and popular catchphrase "You lie!"

"We're gonna get some t-shirts, ball caps, koozies, stuff like that for starters," said Wilson, from his office covered in "You Lie!" banners with a DJ spinning records on a "You Lie!" table, featuring a new Black Eyed Peas jam "You-You-You-You! You Lie!."

"You've gotta start small, but we're confident we're gonna get the ball rolling pretty good," Wilson said.

Fox has already devoted a thirty minute block of a new game show, You Lie!, to replace whatever show is dropped mid-season, in which contestants will either have to tell a tale about certain things they have done to Wilson's face, and he will proclaim whether or not they are telling the truth, by yelling "You lie!" or "You (don't) lie!"

"This is tantamount to other wonderful catchphrases that swept the nation in recent history, such as 'Eat My Shorts', "Whazzzzuuuupp?!", and 'Cool Beans,'" said Fox director of marketing Richard North. "Anybody who doesn't think we're going to milk this sucker is," North paused, while chuckling, "Well, I'd just have to say 'You lie!'"

The White House Communications Office, immediately after accepting Wilson's red-faced apology, began to work on their own counter-catchphrase, now deciding between "hell nah" and "b*tch please," with the latter currently in the lead.

Sen. Dorgan Launches New Media Campaign 15 Months Before State Has Internet Capability

BISMARCK, N.D. -- In a public relations snafu, Sen. Byron L. Dorgan, D-N.D., and his staff had created, updated and publicised a facebook and twitter account, as well as a regularly updated blog, 15 months prior to the expected arrival of the internet to North Dakota.

The internet has been slated to be available to North Dakotans in December of 2010 or later. Dorgan's office says it "just plain forgot" the state was lacking the social utility, and "wanted to keep up with everyone else."

"Dag nab it, I don't understand these things to begin with," said Dorgan from Washington. "Everyone says you gotta do these things, so I did it. I just figured out how to send a fax, now I gotta type on my phone? Christ."

The senator's staff - none of whom are from North Dakota - say they never knew in the first place forgot as well.

"I mean, we've never had to go there. You pretty much have to drive, there aren't really airports, just big fields with way too many rocks," said 23-year-old senior press manager Ginger Franklin, who graduated from Florida State University in May.

Backlash is expected to be fierce by the time news of the mishap gets back to North Dakota, which is expected to be somewhere near November of 2010, as it will travel almost entirely by word-of-mouth and morse code.

Since You Asked...

I've been getting a few emails, calls, and such about this Harry Reid character in the Senate and his comments about my former and beloved employer, Stephens Media, where I worked for the Arkansas News Bureau as recently as July.

The Senate Majority Leader apparently hopes that the flagship paper of Stephens Media, the Las Vegas Review-Journal, "goes out of business."

Now the editorial staff out there in Nevada is decidedly less objective than the Bureau in Little Rock, and has an overt conservative slant, whereas Mr. Reid has an overt liberal slant. The two are bound to butt heads.

I'm not going to point out the obvious, that it's a rather boneheaded move for a Senator to hope that a not insignificant number of voters people lose their jobs, livelihoods, all that mess. That's a no-no.

But another no-no can be found in the irony of the Senator's statement. It occurs to me anyway, that by looking at Reid's polling numbers, which are comparable -- if not worse -- to Sen. Blanche Lincoln's dismal approval numbers, why, Sen. Reid might be out of business before the Review-Journal. And wouldn't that be just rich.

It's one thing to make a bold, acerbic statement against those whom you don't find to be favorable. It's another to do it when you find yourself to be in a pretty hapless situation your own self.

That's all I have to say about that.

Progressive Caucus Attempts To Woo Southern Democrats on Health Care With Big Bag of Meth

BIRMINGHAM -- In a last-ditch effort to garner some semblance of bipartisan support for the health care reform that has been vigorously debated in the August recess, progressive Democrats from the Northern states have extended a variety of concessions to Southern, conservative Democrats, including a big bag of methamphetamines.

"We're willing to play ball," said Barney Frank, D-Mass. "Let no man or woman say we didn't give this our best shot. We want to make sure this thing gets passed by any means necessary, and we know what it's going to take."

Along side the big cellophane bag of meth, other concessions include season tickets to various monster truck rallies touring the nation, a crate of sleeveless shirts that say "New England Patriots: 19-0", more frequent visits from the Oscar Meyer Wiener Mobile, as well as marking every brand of beer in bright orange and camouflage.

"Overalls will be permitted on the House floor and the Senate, permitting their approval, so long as shirts are also worn under them," continued Frank. "And all of the Capitol spittoons will be replaced in their original positions."

In other news, health care legislation has passed the House and looks to sail through the Senate as all of the majority of the Southern delegates gave abstaining votes, save for Gene Taylor, D-Mississippi, who gave a "nay" vote before taking his shirt off and spinning it around his head, chanting "USA! USA! USA!"

Why It Would Be Really Dumb to Switch Parties

There's some blog way down in Abbalama (pronounced just like that) purporting that some congressional Democrat is considering switching parties, becoming the Republican that so many of his vocal constituents aren't yelling at furiously. In there, someone blindly and ignorantly threw in the name Mike Ross as someone who might switch, being a conservative Democrat from a conservative state and being a headlining name for the time being.

Mike Ross, by the way, had to state for the record that he was remaining a Democrat. No news here; Ross has been loyal to the Democratic party since his days of driving around then-Gov. Bill Clinton. The Arkansas Democrat is a strange bird indeed, but it's been classified -- it's just a more conservative bird than the average.

But that just got me thinking about how dumb it would be for a politician to switch parties. I see no gain in it.

The obvious reason is the threat of inevitable defeat, which, I guess, makes it all okay. If a politician truly believes that a change of party has a better shot of winning than staying put, it is incumbent upon his survival to do so, no matter how embarressing. But even then, your numbers have to be terrible already.

Even then, it doesn't make sense though. Sometimes, like in the case of Pennsylvania Sen. Arlen Specter, you flee the party due to primary opposition. The best case scenario is seeing the opposition you fled in November instead of the spring, albeit, you'd be in a more favorable pool, assuming you make it through the primary of a party you obviously joined for purely political motives, rather than a "change of heart."

Ask Specter what he's thinking about those polling numbers these days, after the switch. Kinda makes Sen. Lincoln thank her lucky stars.

Othertimes, fleeing comes from the toxicity of one's native party. In the South (Sou-Prize, Sou-Prize, Sou-Prize!!!), Democrats are not viewed favorably. When it was a conservative Democrat running the show, it was tolerable for their conservative constituency to vote them in. Now, with Obama's admittedly more-liberal-than-most agenda, these Democrats not in the leadership roles are finding it hard to wear the same Democratic pins as those their constituency outright loathes.

For this Bama Boy, he would likely serve his constituency better by being a coveted swing vote than by being a roster addition to the weakened minority. As a Democratic swing vote, concessions could be made to make sure there's party unity. Take Ross, again, for example. He was able to fashion his health care halting not by being a conservative, but by being a conservative Democrat. And (no matter what Tim Griffin, the bullpen bully, is trying to rouse) Ross is sitting comfortably in Arkansas' Fourth.

To me, it just doesn't make a lot of sense. If you've got bad numbers, YOU've got bad numbers, and they'll likely follow you wherever you go, be that to the right or left. Bad luck, perhaps, forecasts that Democrats are up for a tough re-election in 2010. That's just the way it is. But for those who do jump ship, and trust me you'll see more, the uncharted waters will be just as untamed as their raging home seas.

The best bet would be to weather the storm.

I'll Flinch When Those Polling Numbers Tell Me Something I Don't Already Know

Word from Arkansas: Blanche Lincoln, Democratic Arkansas Senator up for rere-election in 2010, is in...(record scratch) trouble!!

Looks like she'll be facing a TOUGH CAMPAIGN?! And she'll have to raise SEVERAL MILLION DOLLARS IN ORDER TO HAVE A CHANCE TO WIN?! And she's having to WATCH HER EVERY WAKING MOVE FOR THE NEXT YEAR AND A HALF?!

What's going on here?! Locusts! Famine! Boils! Down is up! Up is down! The weatherman is wrong and dogs and cats are sleeping together...IT'S MASS HYSTERIA!

Ugh. This has been the story since about December of last year. Polling numbers are usually only good if they're telling you something new. There isn't an amateur political analyst out there who doesn't think that Lincoln and her campaign manager Steve Patterson aren't fidgeting nervously about next November.

But nothing so far has changed. All of her potential challengers in the Republican ranks are rather puny at this point, able to be handled handily by a large bank account, which she undoubtedly will be able to muster at her whim.

State Sen. Bob Johnson, Bigelow's Democratic Senate President, has thrown a wrinkle into the story, but this shouldn't be altogether unexpected. There's got to be a more ambitious Democrat out there who might want to take a poke at the U.S. Senate -- Why not Bigelow Bob? It's certainly not a matter of party loyalty; that's why we have primaries in the first place.

So this is going to be a grinder in the Natural State. It will likely be that way until February. We will see if Bobby Boy really steps up to the plate against Blanche, where I suspect he would collapse under the weight of her checkbook and name recognition. Then she would face hitherto paltry opposition against the GOP.

There are three outcomes, all of which seem kind of probable at this point, verified by those same tired polling numbers we've seen rehashed and re-edited over and over again: She is defeated in a primary, she is defeated in a general election, or she will win it all.

Her bank account, name recognition and political tenacity make her a shoe-in for the last position. But those outcomes, statistically speaking, make her twice as likely to be defeated.

The result: No difference yet. Come back in a few months. Let's move on to a different subject: I don't think we're talking enough about this whole health care business, do you?

Rahm Appoints Left Hand To Position of White House Bringer of Pain, Knuckle Sandwiches

WASHINGTON -- White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel on Monday announced that his left hand would be appointed as the White House Bringer of Pain and Knuckle Sandwiches, effective immediately.

"That's right, butterscotch. And he's ready to work," said the former Illinois congressman, who is often seen as one of the brains behind President Obama's quick-moving agenda.

"All those who want a one-way ticket on the Pain Train, step right up and get your ticket," said a sleeveless Emanuel. "And all you kids who think I'm kidding, you can come get a taste first."

Vice President Joe Biden says he's glad that someone will finally be able to enforce what the cabinet has been proposing since Day 1 of the Obama Administration.

"It's not like we want to take people to Fist City, but frankly, that's what it comes to sometimes in the Oval Office," said Biden, pointing to his own slightly blackened eye. "That's the price you pay."

The appointment marks the most recent addition to the Obama cabinet, including the Vice President's Chairman of the Bummer-Reduction task force, Attorney General Eric Holder's Viceroy of Keeping It Real, and Sec. of State Hillary Clinton's Director of National Thursday Nite Ladies' Nite.

PoLOLitical Stuff: Last Acts of Desperate Men

Fwank Bawks Back

At least he's calling it like he sees it.

Here's Barney Frank, who's to the Left of most anyone in the entirety of both houses of Congwess. He is an avid and die hard supporter of the proposed health care legislation, and his town hall meeting had all the familiar symptoms of those we've seen elsewhere, from New York to Missouri and Arkansas: rowdy.

But this is Bawney Fwank we're talking about here. Wowdy might be his middle name.

I have no problem with this, speaking independently of the situation at hand, regardless of any political affiliation one might have that would endorse or decry his fighting back. This is how legislation works. The people give, the delegate gives back. The politician ought to always be civil, but civility has never been exclusively set apart from standing your ground in the face of unrelenting and stubborn opposition, no matter how humorous standing your ground sounds.

Plus, I think the comparison to Nazis is a tad strong. Comparing things you oppose to Nazism is a move most white people have played out. It's lost its snazz. There are a number of different things sensible people could vocally oppose in this bill before having to compare it to the death of millions and millions of people due to overt and government-sponsored racism.

Anyway, he called the lady an alien dinner table. That was pretty funny.

Arkansas Relevance! Huzzah!

Arkansas is like the tiny rural town of America. It's small, relatively isolated, and pretty much keeps to itself, save for a President and Presidential candidate here, a sex scandal that reinforces negative stereotypes there, and the world just keeps spinning.

It gets six votes in the Electoral College, and only four congressmen in the House. As far as the movers and shakers of the world go, very few have ever called Arkansas home. It's not a bad thing, or a good thing. It's just a fact.

But the political anomaly that is the Arkansas Democrat has thrust Arkansas into a new state of prominence, importance, and relevance.

Arkansas is nominally Democratic in the way that a four-hoofed mammal with antlers is a duck. You can call it a duck all you want, but the it walks, talks and acts very much like a deer. The Arkansas Democrat, with a few notable exceptions, walks, talks, and acts more like a Republican than many Republicans do. In fact, I'd wager that a vast majority of these Arkie Donkeys, placed anywhere that's more urban and more northern that Arkansas — which by sheer demography and geography, is a lot of places — and they'd be wearing their straw hats and talking about how awesome Newt Gingrich is.

This makes them, on the political spectrum, moderate Democrats. All of the state's Congressional Delegation qualify under this moniker, save for, of course, Rep. John "I'm So Ronery" Boozman, the state's only Republican.

As I've said before, Arkansas' moderate Democrats have been a showcase in the tension between moderates that some Arkansans can actually get behind and the far-Left wings of the Democratic Party, who have achieved sweeping majorities over the last three years and are running the show. Like I said, you've got a small minority in one group, and a bigger majority comprising of two groups who are splitting apart at the seams.

What does this mean for Arkansas? Swing votes...and attention.

Arkansas' delegates now have to think about what they're going to wear before they walk out that door. Comb that hair, Ross! Shine them boots, Berry. Theme-ties again, Snyder? Smile big, Blanche!...not that big. Marky Mark, bring wet naps. Since President Obama took office in January, You've seen Arkansas' delegates mentioned on matters such as climate change, health care, and you're going to see them on issues such as immigration, gay issues, and whatever else comes up.

They represent the final totals on the Majority Whip's role call. Not only that, but each delegate has been going at it for awhile, each one having been re-elected several times back to their current position. That means seniority and authority, as shown in Mike Ross' case of being able to slam the breaks on health care reform, putting it back to September, and Sen. Lincoln's role in the Senate Finance Committee, which is seeing health care, and will see climate change and a number of other important issues.

And it will continue to be this way, as more and more issues pile up that pit the conservative constituency of Arkansas against the more liberal tendencies of the Democratic Leadership. Hey, they're in charge. That's their prerogative.

But there might be consequences in, say, 2010. Currently, all of the delegates should be pretty comfortable. They're all household names and, like I said earlier, have been re-elected numerous times. But with polling places (of the Democratic persuasion no less) saying that Arkansas is the most likely state to see a large shift from Democratic to Republican in 2010, it's easy to see why these guys might be shedding the spotlight and awkwardly pulling at their collars.

The best example of this is (sigh) Sen. Lincoln. I feel like I'm joining in on beating a dead horse, but the fact of the matter is she's a big target that a lot of people are seeing as vulnerable. Every step she takes that sides more with the President — who is very unpopular in Arkansas — that will be translated and transmitted as a step away from Arkansas' values, even if, in truth, those two steps might be compatible. That's what she'll argue anyway, but my and most everyone else's guess is that those arguments, no matter how true, will fall on deaf, if not actively non-acquiescent, ears.

Anyway, for the average Arkansan, all this means is that you'll be able to go to a national news source to hear about your representation at home. And maybe be able to recognize the person who's actually doing that representing.

Health Care Reform: Dead

It pains me to say this, but I think it's true. Hope it's not, because Republicans and Democrats alike agree we need it.

I think the much-ballyhooed health care reform plan is dead. Kaput. No more.

Well, most of it anyway, the part that would radically change health care. There may be a concurrent resolution or something nifty and feel-goody that gets passed to mark the achievement of doing some fine talking, but I don't think that anything is going to pass the muster.

Too much sausage is getting made on either side. It's hurting the quality of the meat, the meat of course being the reform itself.

Each side can and will blame the other. They'd both be right. Some stubborn folks on not just each end of the aisle but stubbornness on each pew of each aisle has lead to a gridlock, despite some, I'm sure, wonderful progress on those respective side.

It came to me reading the Washington Post this morning. Senate Democrats are making noise about the lack of a public option in the finalized bill. This sent everyone in a position to get to their battle stations.

Speaker Pelosi says there will be a public option in any bill the House approves. Blue Dogs like Arkansas' Mike Ross say they won't sign anything with a public option, losing 50 or more crucial votes. 100+ members of the Progressive caucus and others say they won't vote for it if there's a lack of one. Gridlock.

The Senate Finance Committee is the last frontier of the health care bill. They are struggling admirably to arrive at a bipartisan conclusion. This will — according to Sen. Blanche Lincoln's numerous speeches at home — not include the public option, since it doesn't prove to be a "viable plan." Now Senate Democrats are ready to stand in the way of the 20 months of compromise that's been hashed out in the Finance Committee. Stalemate.

Lincoln, Ross, the President, and others have often clamored that the scary option in health care reform is "to do nothing." They certainly make a strong argument, with nearly 20 percent of every dollar Americans spend going toward health care, health care costs rising at nearly six times the rate of income, and the unsustainability of that path. Even Republicans confess that the system is flawed and outdated, if not completely broken.

But with each group at the ready to bring this bipartisan thing to a screeching halt — now, with no chance of a partisan bill being rammed through either — I think it's dead.

That's just me though. Maybe we'll try it again in another 15 years.

Marketing Politically

Just a stray thought of which I haven't been able to rid myself over the weekend and into miserable Monday: What is politics if not marketing?

While Aristotle would say that political thought and reflection are the highest acts of natural causes that a man can make, what difference does any of the diplomacy make if not for the sake of re-election?

Re-election, being the lifeblood of any political viability, is both vice and virtue to politics, or so it seems to me. That's why we have different levels within our legislative bodies of representation: House has two years, President gets four, and the Senate gets six years to make their case for another term.

We obviously want some level of our government privy to the whims of the masses, and some to be insulated from those wants. That sensitivity binds politicians to their election campaigns; the most sensitive, the victor.

Marketing strategists and political operatives don't seem all that different, it's just a different strategy. You brand the face, name, phrase of your candidate, or some combination of all three, to get people who are uninterested interested. You enter the lexicon, thrusting your campaign — yes, both political and marketing campaigns — into the vernacular of those you wish to influence.

You saw a lot of that with the election of President Obama. He had a big, grinning face, unique, but not-difficult-to-pronounce-name, and hung a five letter banner "CHANGE" everywhere he went, first written by hand from loyal supporters in Iowa, to pressed on designer T-shirts. The iconic, three-color picture of the President is what will be remembered most from his campaign. It encompassed all three.

Senators, like Arkansas' Blanche Lincoln, are having to walk a tight rope toward re-elected prosperity, an arduous and difficult gait. She's obviously got her hands tied in some kind of restraint by those who will or will not elect her for a third consecutive term to the Senate.

While her policies are complex, her record long, and her biography well-documented, look for her opposition to use short sentences, if not monosyllabic phrases. She helped them out by dubbing a sympathetic constituency "un-American," but that will be a throw away.

I'm not really looking for an answer, it's just been buzzing around in my head. For all of the high-minded thought that's going into such policies as health care, climate changes, and, oh yeah, those two wars we're fighting, I'm just hoping that politics — the important part of it anyway — is more than picking between Reebok and Nike.

Random thought for the day. You're welcome.

Something That Rubbed Me The Wrong Way

And no, it wasn't the hot wings from lunch.

I don't know how this health care business is going to play out. I think we definitely need something to keep costs lower, eliminate inefficiencies, all that stuff, but I'm not entirely convinced that a government option is necessarily the way to go.

Honestly, with there being so many dead horses piling up in America's front yards, all fatalities due to blunt force trauma from the health care talking points, I just want there to be a conclusion. Yay or nay, but let's get it over with, I'm pretty unbiased.

But there's one point I'm hearing over and over again that really rubs me the wrong way. We're the only civilized country that doesn't have universal health care. This is used to decry that those Americans must be a bunch of backward, knuckle-dragging, booger-eating morons, if those Americans don't want universal health care.

Wanting universal health care is not a bad thing. Saying we need it because others have it is a whole other ball game.

My case in point, granted, an isolated one, but it got to me. France, yes, that civilized European parlor of love and elegance, France, outlawed burkhas. A 'burkha' for those of you out of the loop is a head-to-toe garment donned by devout and fundamentalist Muslim women. While that's kind of old news, I was reminded of it when I saw that a woman on the beach in France was arrested for wearing a full-body suit and mask, creating a waterproof beach burkha.

Creativity be damned, French officials said, and they arrested her for it.

A clear violation of personal rights --wearing clothing for religious purposes -- was not only passed into law in France, but is enforced as well. I just think it's really dumb to say that "oh, they're doing it!" that we must be remiss for not doing it here. The equivalent would be your local police officer knocking the yamacha off some rabbi's head.

This isn't to say that there aren't lessons we can't learn from the French (how DO they get croissants so fluffy?) and vice versa, or that these things have anything to do with one another. I'm not going to be ordering Freedom Fries anytime soon at my local McDonald's. I just think it's a shallow, useless point to be made in an argument, offered to the lowest common denominator of angry person who happens to be siding with universal health care.

Sorry. That just got to me. Carry on.

Because Some Things Are Worth Fighting For

Delicately Handling The Curmudgeon Sector

Very good work here from the Beltway webbing site Politico regarding the woes that President Obama is having to deal with regarding health care. Senior citizens are some of the ones making the most noise at these health care town hall meetings that is giving Democrats fits and giving those on the far aisles of the right-wing fits of giggling.

This probably accounts for the amount of cane-related injuries involved. And why I've been hearing the terms "whippersnapper" and "fiddlefartin'" flying around so often.

While this is a problem for Obama right now, peddling to the geriatric masses is something all politicians have to find a way to deal with. They vote in record numbers, they're the most vocal constituency that most the delegates have, they're inherently suspicious after decades of experience in dealing with politicians, politicians, by the way, who are now a few decades their junior, and if they ever joined together to form some kind of compact or union, could crush America under their army of Panzeresque Buicks.

Put it this way: If Seniors could ever muster the technological know-how to create a blog, it'd be the most rabid and most updated blog out there. It'd make Matt Drudge look like Walter Cronkite.

Point being, they're a handful for anybody. It's time somebody put together some political rules to dealing with our octogenarian friends, and their older buddies.

Have Everything Wrapped Up By 4:30 pm: They're up every day around 4:30 in the morning. The Early Bird Special goes from 4 to 6, and Golden Girls comes on right before bed, around 6:30. If they make it to 8 in the evening, Murder She Wrote comes on, forcing seniors to stay up until 9. God help us if it's a Wednesday night and those two Matlock episodes come on (back to back!).

Point being, have stuff wrapped up promptly. As soon as you see some guy leaning in his seat to stretch out his high-socked leg, it's time to close up shop: You've said everything they're going to hear.

Speak Louder: It doesn't matter how loudly you're speaking, sir or ma'am, I'm going to need you to speak up. Speak up. No really, shouting is not offensive. Just soften your natural-yelling expression a little bit, sonny, no blue-faced young buck is going to tell that guy what's good and bad for him by talking down to him like that, by God.

It's just that they can't hear you in the back or the middle. Or really past the third row. If you're speaking as loud as humanly possible without ripping your vocal chords into shreds like a Quentin Tarantino film, maybe invest in some speakers that go up to eleven. Or some of those little ear horns that look like gramophones for your ear hole.

Otherwise be accused of not telling these people anything. Sure, four people in that stadium might have heard you, but it's very likely that even if they heard you, they already forgot what it was you were saying. So, speak up or sit down. Now that Perry Como, he could talk to an audience.

Offer Free Stuff: And not campaign stickers. Fans, glasses, tee-shirts, gift cards. These people lived through the Depression, and many think they're in one again. It is their impulse to hoard and thank their benevolent granters.

Plus, some have many dozens of grandchildren, all of which in need of a good stocking stuffer.

Don't Eat Your Dinner In The Living Room: Just don't do it. Same rule goes for lounging on your bed with your feet by the pillows. That's what recliners are for, butterscotch. If any pictures of these activities, please post them online where they will be hitherto unattainable to anyone over the age of 65.

Reference 'The Good Ole Days' As Much As Humanly Possible: It doesn't matter that taxes, percentage-wise, were higher when Reagan was in office. It doesn't matter that things like segregated schools and water fountains existed. Ignore any and all progress society has made over the last 50 years or so.

Referencing 'The Good Ole Days' doesn't necessarily remind people of how good it really used to be before these kids screwed everything up, with their rap/rock and roll and their baggy pants, and their women working in gainful employment, because frankly, stuff wasn't as good as they "remember" it being.

But it gives them that old "reminding" feeling when you reference those nostalgic days of yore. These instances of having that reminding feeling are also becoming more and more fleeting for this demographic, so one would do well to encourage a collective sort of remembrance, where one's constituency can simply nod their head, give slight and affirming gestures to those sitting around them, and look like they know what's going on, when in fact, they're trying to remember where they parked the Oldsmobile.

Attach Nazis To Your Opposition's Cause: It doesn't matter which side your on. Democrats, Republicans, Independents, heck, even Socialists and Communists would do well to relate whatever their opposition is doing and saying, or not doing and not saying, to Adolf Hitler, the Third Reich, the Luftwaffe or concentration camps.

All of these things associated with Naziism, certainly and undoubtedly evil, have become the only symbol of not only evil, but anything that's just bad. Everything bad in their life can somehow be channelled to hatred of Nazis, including osteoporosis, arthritis and that health care thing that the pretty Palin lady says is going to set up death camps.

And that Palin is a sassy lady who likes to show the ankles. She must be right.

Have Numerous Bathroom Stations Set Up: This goes without saying. If you're certain that these people need to hear your message, put speakers up in the restrooms or port-o-potties. Also, make them comfortable, they could be there awhile.

This Is The Sound of Hitting Rock Bottom

So this, apparently, is ousted Illinois Governor Rod the Bod Blagojevich's hand at making an honest living: joining the ranks of professional Elvis impersonators.

God, this is painful.

Health Care Showdowns and Fisticuffs

People rising up and taking their message to the streets used to be one of the most powerful visual statements an organization or movement could make. The Civil Rights movement has been visually epitomized by images of folks like Martin Luther King, Jr., locked arm-in-arm with like-minded brothers and sisters in places like Birmingham and Memphis.

For the uninvolved layman, the nation's capitol and all of its monuments of the country's genesis and origins provides a potent stage, and has carried the messages of numerous movements, such as the Vietnam War protests at the Washington Monument's reflecting pool.

Grassroots movements aim to evoke that imagery and appeal, convincing and educating the common, everyday person to take up their picket and join the fight for whatever it is the organizers or those who have the most vested interest in the movement is proposing. Grassroots hope to appeal to that everyman and in doing so, multiply their ranks exponentially.

It's the whole point of any political campaign in general: Tell your message to as many people as there are willing to listen, and get them to tell others, so that they'll vote for you. That's pretty much the whole ball of wax right there. It's a fine method of pushing not only candidates, but also politically-driven agendas.

Like this health care thing, which has gone from complex and frustrating to loud and raucous. Democratic senators and congressional delegates are being met by what Sean Hannity would call mobs of people at their usually mundane town hall meetings to discuss the goings-on in Washington, with the topic du jour being, of course, health care reform.

They are met with taunts, jeers, and rowdy chants. Some even burn the politicians in effigy, which is not only over-the-line and overly aggressive, but outdated and exceedingly unoriginal. Democrats have been responding with outrage, leading some, like Arkansas' Sen. Blanche Lincoln to say they are "disrespectful and un-American," a statement which she later retracted.

The most common dismissal of these former TEA-partiers-turned "Obamacare"-protesters is that it's "Astroturfing," or fake-grassroots. They accuse the organizers to rile up and organizing these people to get out and throw about 8,000 monkey wrenches into the fast moving gears of the legislative machine.

The problem with that line of defense is that Democrats and Health Care Reform advocates do plenty of grassrooting and astroturfing of their own.

They send out pamphlets. They call people (and, aw horsefeathers, always around dinner time, too!) at their homes to talk about health care reform and why it needs to be done as quickly as possible and why Republicans and moderate Democrats are just wrong about everything, but especially health care reform, etc. etc. etc.

The pot is calling the kettle black, and the kettle is firing back about the pot being black, too. But if the pot and kettle have both been black for as long as cookware has been around, why would the pot or the kettle start acting offended by it (Ed. Note - Rampant Metaphor Running Amok? Check.)?

I think it has something to do with the lack of appeal of the march-on-wherever, or at least the diminishing of its impact. It's sort of like using a really good curse word: If it's used rarely, and only in appropriate situation, it connotes an appropriate amount of emotions or seriousness, or whatever the user is trying to portend. But if it's a guy who uses the word in the rigmarole of daily life, in any and all uses, in any and all contexts or mindsets, it loses its luster.

It'll still grab some people's attention, but for the most part, it'll just be a part of the droning noise. Grassroots movements are still potent, as seen by both health care former advocates and antagonists, and still can rile up a great bevy of those in the middle. But the fighting on either side, I would contend, isn't sneaky, dirty, underhanded, or a sign of a lack of message.

On either side, I say again. Those currently in the spotlight are the rightward health care dissuaders, crashing these town hall meetings. They are certainly going a little overboard, with reports of fistfighting going on over it. But their presence should not only be expected, but if their opposition is worth anything, countered.

And for the record, whining about their organization, when your side is clearly just as organized but not as effective, is not a good parry. Not saying Democrats or health care advocates should harpoon a big, stuffed John Boehner facsimile, but surely they've got some other statement or plan.