Progressive Caucus Attempts To Woo Southern Democrats on Health Care With Big Bag of Meth

BIRMINGHAM -- In a last-ditch effort to garner some semblance of bipartisan support for the health care reform that has been vigorously debated in the August recess, progressive Democrats from the Northern states have extended a variety of concessions to Southern, conservative Democrats, including a big bag of methamphetamines.

"We're willing to play ball," said Barney Frank, D-Mass. "Let no man or woman say we didn't give this our best shot. We want to make sure this thing gets passed by any means necessary, and we know what it's going to take."

Along side the big cellophane bag of meth, other concessions include season tickets to various monster truck rallies touring the nation, a crate of sleeveless shirts that say "New England Patriots: 19-0", more frequent visits from the Oscar Meyer Wiener Mobile, as well as marking every brand of beer in bright orange and camouflage.

"Overalls will be permitted on the House floor and the Senate, permitting their approval, so long as shirts are also worn under them," continued Frank. "And all of the Capitol spittoons will be replaced in their original positions."

In other news, health care legislation has passed the House and looks to sail through the Senate as all of the majority of the Southern delegates gave abstaining votes, save for Gene Taylor, D-Mississippi, who gave a "nay" vote before taking his shirt off and spinning it around his head, chanting "USA! USA! USA!"

Hold the Phone: Lincoln 'Doesn't Favor' Co-Ops, 'Not Against' Public Option

"It's a complicated thing," Sen. Blanche Lincoln laughed while talking me over the phone Tuesday, after we discussed health care for about 30 minutes.

She's right. And the minutiae is excruciating.

As it's toward the end of an article about a study rather than the subject itself, a shift on Lincoln's stance in the health care debate might be buried. I reported last week that Lincoln favors a co-op rather than the public option proposed by the President.

I said it because that's what she had said. She said perhaps I misunderstood, rather, that she believed her colleagues would be more receptive and understand better the idea of co-ops, being that they are so prevalent already, with electric and housing co-ops and the like.

She doesn't prefer a co-op over a public option. Rather, she prefers what works.

"People have gotten too tied up in titles and don't focus on the goals," said Lincoln. "The key is to meet the goals," citing those goals as making sure that whatever it is is competitive, transparent, efficient, affordable, and provides an option of coverage for those who'd like to keep their insurance.

"Co-op? Sure. Public option? Sure. Fall back plan? Sure. State to state plan? Sure," said Lincoln.

Lincoln said that there are a number of different definitions for the term "public plan," some in which the government controls everything, and some of which that have varying degrees of government intervention therein.

What does a public option mean for Lincoln? She wouldn't say. Rather, she just made sure that she was clear on the matter: She's for whatever, as long as it gets those aforementioned goals attained.

Right now, nothing is on paper. There are proposals, there are prototypes being scrawled in closed door meetings. But there is no one clear plan, so far, that has been agreed upon. If that plan comes out, and it works, she'll be for it.

So for the record: Sen. Lincoln isn't for the co-op, but she's not against the co-op. She's not for the public option, whatever that is, but she's not against the public option either.

She's for whatever it is that works.

Caption Contest! Since When Have They Outlawed Guns While Fishing?

What better way for the former No. 2 to relax after verbally blasting the current No. 1? Fly fishing. Duh. Here we find the trigger-happy veep relaxing on the lake, collecting water upon which to board those who stand in his America's way, but happen to be standing out of range of a buck shot.

To get the proverbial ball rolling:

—Hey, weren't there two people out on that boat? Where's Fredo? (/Godfather elitism)
—Fishing is usually a solo act for Cheney, as most would rather be shot in the face while hunting than hooked in the face while fishing.
—Cheney: (singing to himself) "Shush girl, shut ya lips, Do the Helen Keller, and dance with yer hips."
Bodyguard: "What was that sir?"
Cheney: "Nothing!...Nothing at all...Shush girl..."

So there's that. I don't usually condone Bush-Era bashing, as it's a little played, but with Cheney's recent foray into center stage against Obama on national security, he's fair game. Have at it.

Last week, Steve Lattimer won the first leg of the DOUBLE Caption Contest, as a caption that is completely and appropriately opposite of what's actually going on is compelling (take note, kids), and Justin Sealand (the last Anon.) won the second because SEALAND ALWAYS WINS. They'll get something in the mail this week. I'm not saying it'll be nice, but it'll be something.

If the GOP is Turning the Corner, Who's at the Wheel?

Michael Steele, head honcho for the RNC, has penned an op-ed for Politico today which boldly claims that the Republican party has "turned a corner" and that they are "looking forward" to surging back into the majority status once again.

It even offers a three-step plan to launch them back into the limelight:

1. Stop looking backward, only look forward, established in the penultimate paragraph by a Reagan quote.
2. Boldly oppose the most popular president in recent history.
3. Seize the already(?) simmering(??) momentum(?!) for the Republican party.

It really wasn't that poorly-written. It's the stance everyone on both sides of the aisle expects and accepts Republicans to make. No harm, no foul. They do need to look forward, Obama has an admittedly leftward agenda, and...hey, here's to optimism.

However, a problem arises in my mind when I try to think of an executor of all of these lofty maxims.

There's no singular individual in the GOP right now who seems up to the task of rallying undecided voters, which is the goal of every political endeavor. The Gallup poll is clear: People have been headed in the other direction. While Democrats will call this a matter of principle — that the GOP has got it all wrong — that's not necessarily the case: They're just not convincing the voters. Where were Democrats in 2000, and 2004? Exactly.

"Principle" is a funny word. It means so much to people without having an actual definition.

I'm finding a dizzying array of similarities between local and national political stories. Here's another one that I think illustrates what the GOP really lacks.

Sens. Harry Reid, D-Nevada, and Blanche Lincoln, D-Here, are both up for rerere-election in 2010. Each are stalwart incumbents with a high degree of name recognition and money raising abilities (Lincoln has over $2.3M cash-in-hand, which in Arkansas dollars is roughly $4.9 bajillionkajillion, and Reid is already boasting Obama...and Sheryl Crow!), one of which is even the House Majority Leader.

Each are also rolling with pretty tepid polling numbers. Lincoln's numbers are kind of old news at this point, but Stephens Media's very own Las Vegas Review-Journal has written about a poll that show Reid's numbers to be even worse than Lincoln's. These numbers are paltry at best for the multiple-term Senators, and have their opposition — their starving opposition, by the way — licking their chops, ready to lower the boom.

But I'm not hearing any credible names, are you?

Reid has good reason to be comfortable. The only roster of those against him are an indicted Lieutenant Governor and a Representative whose name escapes me, and may escape the names of voters outside of the Reno area. Juxtaposed with the way out and wacky Nancy Pelosi as House Speaker, Reid comes across as a sensible moderate. Plus with Obama in his corner, some of that magic is bound to rub off.

Lincoln finds herself in the odd situation of being a Democrat, with tepid numbers, in a state that most associate with Republicans, nevermind the nomenclature to the contrary. But again, nobody has stepped up to the plate. One guy did, Kim Hendren, but all signs are pointing to a quick bow out (It's never a good sign to follow "I intend to win!" with "I haven't even filed the necessary paperwork to be a candidate," for the record), and the others are still waiting.

Tim Griffin could run, although it's tough to see how much money he could raise, and I'm not sure I'd recognize him if he walked into the room and kicked me in the shins. Curtis Coleman formed an exploratory committee, and says he can raise between $5-8 million to beat Lincoln, but is nearly anonymous.

Gilbert Baker was reported by Politico to be nearly in, although he hasn't done so. He's a good ole boy from Conway, with his homemade haircut and folksy appeal. An even stronger point, he ran and won a highly contested state Senate seat, even with Sen. Mark Pryor and Gov. Mike "OZYMANDIAS" Beebe openly opposed him. Baker's blasphemy paid off.

I'm still hearing rumors about businessman French Hill, who seems to be the opposite of Baker: Able to raise substantial fundage, but wears french cuffs and is therefore unable to connect with the typical Arkansan. I don't know, that's all hearsay. I haven't heard from him one way or the other.

Either way, although I know more about it, neither of these rosters is very daunting. With the Democratic incumbents vulnerable, the GOP has no one to push the button.

All of those goals that Steele is setting are fine, and ought to be encouraged if Republicans expect to be relevant. But you can't expect to win playing varsity ball with the J.V. squad.

John Kerry Violently Harpoons Media Industry by Voicing Support

Let's face it. Among all of the potential swimming in the sea of new media, conventional media and its industry is in a bad way.

Hometown papers left and right a folding up, even the big ones in Seattle, Detroit, and elsewhere. There's talks of the St. Louis Post-Dispatch and the Boston Globe shutting their doors. If anybody could use a bailout (not that I'm advocating, as I have clearly remonstrated), it's the newspaper industry. Any charitable donors out there?

But...let's not get ahead of ourselves. It's a nearly proven fact that everything John Kerry touches immediately dissolves if not erupting into flames. Print Media will be fine, Mr. Kerry, move along, nothing to see here.

This reads nothing but calamity. Hilarious calamity.