Lincoln: Up Yours, Vocal & Active Constituency!

I would have loved to have seen the look on Steve Patterson's face around 11 in the morning, as Sen. Lincoln was wrapping up her press conference with Arkansas reporters on Thursday.

Patterson, Lincoln's campaign manager who is most certainly gearing up for a tough re-election bid, was probably sitting in his office in Little Rock, or maybe even her office in D.C. Depending on if or how big his breakfast was, maybe he was thinking about lunch.

Should I go to Wendy's again? he might've been pondering. But I just went there yesterday...but nobody saw me. Maybe I can go there again...I did almost get the spicy chicken. Maybe I'll get that today. But those square patties are-...

Then he heard that buzz word, that word that says so much while spelling so little: un-American. He could've sworn he had heard it from his client, Sen. Lincoln's mouth.

She must be talking about how dumb and polarizing and really, really dumb it was to use that word to discuss a politically biased stance, he probably mused to himself. Man, that Bush guy really helped us out by doing that.

Then his expression probably became a little more grim, aspirations of a delicious chicken sandwich, Frosty, and routine incumbent election quickly evaporating into the vapors. Had Sen. Lincoln had just called several hundred of her vocal constituency "un-American?"

Hang on, Steve might've thought to himself, in that low, booming voice that I hope is his inner-thought voice as well, Blanche is smarter than this. He'd be right, too. Sen. Lincoln frustrates many conservatives with her ability to tread politically difficult matters with somewhat ease, if not persistent thoroughness. Being a Democrat, her party and those running it are decidedly more liberal than probably she is, but most certainly more so than her constituency is. She has threaded the needle, as they say, and done so quite well with such a large bull's eye on her back.

She may weave 27 minute answers to some questions, but she has her points, sticks to them, and rarely gives much away.

Oh, she couldn't have done that, Steve, time to lay off the crazy pills, this isn't a Styx and Kansas concert, laughed Patterson to himself.

“It’s so sad, because it’s diminishing to the process, it’s diminishing to our outcome...I think it’s sad that they choose to do that," he recalled her saying. "I think it’s un-American and disrespectful."

I am going to throw up all over these tasseled loafers, a now pale and mortified Arkansas campaign manager may have thought to himself.

She had. She had called her some of her most vocal constituency "un-American." Not only are they the most vocal, but judging by their likely political leanings, they're a constituency that would be most offended by being branded as "un-American." They're vocal, they're on the move, they're willing to campaign against her now for no wage or interest other than their own: They will be a terrible nightmare for business, thought Patterson.

Some of these nuts are running against her already, Patterson might have pondered, noting the growing roster of Ricky Randoms, many of whom nobody outside their small circle of friends and relatives would know, recognize, or lend any help to. All of those guys just got a little more credibility, the now-worry-wrought Steve Patterson might have thought.

Maybe it won't be that bad, he might have scrambled in his head, trying to weave his way around the situation. He'd be fooling himself. While it's certainly no "that Jew" statement, it certainly is self-stubbing of the toe. Sen. Lincoln tripped up, insulted her constituency (much in the same way that Curtis Coleman chap did, eh?), and now looks like she's going to have to eat those words in every debate and campaign ad.

Will it cost her the election? Doubtful, as all of her challengers are those people who are best defined as 'ambiguous.' But someone well-funded with a compelling narrative that's relatively well-liked? It could be a loud speed bump, and we're only just in August of 2009...There's time, Patterson might have concluded, both optimistically at the time to dig herself out of the hole presented here and in her polling numbers and pessimistically at the time for a real candidate to emerge.

What in the name of holy flying horse snot is going on with this campaign?! Patterson thought madly to himself, the only visible sign of his rising anger a small twitch of his left eyelid. You know what, I hate this freaking job! This has got to be the most worthless, hapless, hopeless re-election campaign I've ever been a part of. I wake up every morning, look at those poll numbers, and curl up in a little fetal ball and cry my eyes out, because this is just a mess, Patterson might have mused as his face became more red and his knuckles became more white. Two terms? TWO TERMS?! What kind of amateur, rookie, bush-league, open-mic night at the Apollo is this Senate race supposed to be, huh? Now fuming in his own mind, I swear to God Almighty I am going to go off on a Clark-Griswold-esque rant that may or may not involve me punching numerous interns and aides in the face and thrusting my head in the toilet until the someone drags me out and puts me in the dumpster out back with the rest of the toiletries and all the health care reform placards and pickets!

He paused. Inhaled.

"Uh...Blanche? I think we should issue a retraction."

I Got Nothing.

There's literally nothing going on today. It feels like the Stephens Media building is an old-timey bomb shelter, and someone just dropped the big one. Is there anyone out there?

I guess I'll do one of these obligatory lists of which we in the Arkansas blogosphere are so fond, especially when confronted with a news famine like today. LT's "Week in Review," Kinkade's "Stuff Around Arkansas" and the Artificially Intelligent Panzer's "Whatever" file.

Unfortunately, like I said. There's. Nothing. Going. On. National, state, local. There isn't even any office politicking to be heard, now that we got a whole other microwave in the break room, so now we can cook two meals at THE SAME TIME. And the Gods did tremble.

So two brief points, one on Cheney's new found love of the limelight, and the other on that Thing That Will Not Die.

As per a video I posted a couple of days ago, Bush bashing — and subsequent Cheney-bashing — is and will be popular for the foreseeable future. Dubya has gone on a few limited engagement speaking tours, and apparently is penning (crayoning?) an autobiography, but for the most part, has been willfully sequestered in his palatial Dallas cul de sac.

Cheney on the other hand has been mounting an offensive to preserve the Bush Legacy, something few credible types believe is possible. I've given an optimist's guide to the Bush legacy, but it's more of a 'nowhere to go but up' type of essay. Cheney doesn't have a nowhere to go but up stance, rather, he's on the top of the world looking down on creation.

I'm befuddled. We went from never knowing where or what Cheney was doing, save for a couple of Meet the Press appearances and someone getting shot in the face, to know him being the strongest qualified voice for the GOP. And don't kid yourself; He is.

I'm waiting to see if this is all an elaborate play on the part of the GOP. The only person hated more than George W. Bush during that Administration was Dick Cheney. Bush has from day one been someone who was identified by those around him: Cheney, Rove, Card, etc. etc., with Bush simply being the puppet to this Brain Trust.

The GOP could — and this is a stretch — be using Old Man Cheney as bait. If so, the media (whom the Right somewhat accurately but to not a damning extent refer to as "the Liberal Media) has bitten. They regularly rip Cheney to pieces and send Bohner and Steele in with brief defenses. This could provide a large distraction for the Right to make moves that would have otherwise alerted the media, and blown their cover. The GOP needs to move somewhat clandestinely if they really hope to gain power back. The Democratic rhetoric is strong these days, the best example of which is by taking a gander at the resident of 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.

It could be. It'd be fascinating if it were, but it likely is not. It'd be interesting to see a piece on what the GOP's aim is at letting Cheney run amok. Maybe Cheney is just plain old vanilla crazy. I just think it's another sign that the Republicans had better get some play makers and fast.

Now for the Thing That Will Not Die.

Card check talks are still heating up, according to Politico, as Specter, DDD-Pa., is trying to rally labor support as a Democrat by launching an initiative to find a compromise to an issue upon which neither side has previously hinted.

Business has won for now, and so will not open an avenue for labor to have a slightest shot at victory. No official that I have spoken with for the AFL-CIO, and I've spoken with a few, are going to be willing to give up the arbitration and secret ballot points, and therefore no compromise will likely exist.

An article from the L.A. Times says that Labor's efforts has been beaten in the halls of Congress by the business community. But Labor is still calling the Democratic party on its aid during the election. They want theirs.

Now comes our very own Mark Pryor as one of the Senate insiders trying to negotiate such a compromise. I've always said that of the two Senators, Pryor has the best shot for the Democrats to get anything in Arkansas. Lincoln will be bitten by the re-election bug, and I doubt would do something has locally politically hazardous as vote for card check.

It's been defeated, but yet it arises again. It will not die. Roby Brock says a vote could come in June. Perhaps that will be the episode someone straps it to a rocket and launches it to the sun. But that could just lead to another sequel.

UPDATE: And of course, just as I'm writing this, UCA's Interim Prez. Courtway says he's vying for the top lotto job. Also, Gilbert Baker not only say's he's "more open" to running, but says he flat out disagrees with Doyle Webb's statement about Rep. Kathy Webb. Check out my article the Bureau's site in the next while about it, and check UFW tomorrow about Gilberto. Thwarted again by actual news to be reported. Drat.

DOUBLE Caption Contest! Happy Grad-u-muh-kay-shun, son & Hey! Someone Who Will Never Be On TV Again!

In honor of those graduating this weekend, here's a caption contest blast from the past with everyone's favorite gaffe-expert.

Here's some starters:

• "My roommate Brian dared me to ask you this but..."
• "Son, could you show me how to properly hold a man down while you beat him in the head?"
• Kid: "I'm just a yellow belt."
  Bush: "HAH! BLACK BELT HERE!"

And I thought this picture was pretty funny looking, courtesy of Blake's Artificially Intelligent Panzer, via Lance Turner's Failed Attempt at Anonymity Blog. I look like I'm Otis, the Town Drunk, to reference Kim Hendren's beloved Andy Griffith Show, of which I too am a fan.
Here's the ball rolling on this one, too.

• "Sorry I'm out of breath Rachel; me and the guys here in Little Rock just had a hot dog eating contest."
• "Pants? No, no I'm not. As you can tell by my lack of necktie, this is casual."
• Stovall pauses to take a breath after savagely beating the intern who originally spelled his name 'Zach Stovel.'

Last week's winner was Bobby Simpson, of North Little Rock. He was handsomely rewarded with a coffee mug. No, seriously. Submit and I'll give you something if you win, one for each picture this week. Now. Have at you.

Obama & Signing Statements: Big Whoop

Beneath the mire of all of this altogether uninteresting business about stem cell research, there was another bit of uninteresting news that Maxwell "Not the Coffee" Brantley brought to my attention.

The headline reads "Bye Bye Bush Era," and it applauds that Obama advising that signing statements under G.W. Bush may be ignored if convenient.

Bush's signing statements — clauses attached to bills that basically call for certain parts of a bill to be openly ignored — had enough coverage in its day. It basically is a loop around line-item vetoes, which are prohibited. So, Obama, accordingly, said that they are all now subject to interpretation by Atty. General Holder, and then they can be deemed constitutional or not.

I wonder how many of them will make it through the filter. What's the over/under on one to two?

Obama getting elected was the mandate. Once in office, he quickly did away with many of Bush's policies and rules, notably the implementation of a White House Happy Hour and looser dress code.

But then Maxwell misses another "important" piece of the NYT puzzle: Obama isn't against doing all that his own dern self. Is this not the pot calling the kettle black?

Of course, not. This is OBAMA we're talking about. You remember? The Hope and Change for America? He makes houses appear for the homeless, jobs appear for the jobless, and still has time to hoop with the Bulls?

I say that sarcastically, not to say that Obama won't do any of those things (he's done all of them) or even that he won't do any of them again (he's on track to do it all again and again).

It's just another example of how bias is often thinly-veiled and useless when some good ole fashioned objectivity would be a better lens.

The next president, who will likely be a Republican if trends mean anything, could reverse Obama's reversal. In fact, I bet he (or she!) might throw out nearly everything Obama puts into play. Clinton did it to Reagan's ugly step-child, Bush I. Bush II did it to Clinton, which I'm sure sticks in some people's craw, that Obama is reminding some of Bush. I'm sure that wily coot Jefferson did it to that old buzzard Adams, and then that upstart Adams II returned the favor, although I'm sure wigs and gloves were more involved back then.

I understand that there are liberal commentators and conservative ones, and I especially understand that those views are more prominently displayed in the blogosphere. I'm just saying that there ought to be a little more objectivity out there.

So I therefore understand the roof raising by some, heck, by many that Bush is gone and out, exiled to his Crawford Ranch and new ritzy Dallas condo. But that's a little old news by now, don't you say Maxwell? Olbermann still harps on Bush, and Maddow is relegated to doing fluff pieces about Boy Scouts, and now this. There's nothing to be critical about in Obama's short time as President? COUGH Wow! Look at all that pork in the gazillion dollar stimulus! COUGH!

I say let's freshen up that material. Frankly, we're still dealing with Bush's inheritance with this whole economy business and I'd rather not bring him up unless we have to. I don't think this is one of those have-to moments.

Obama to Cross Border for Bacon and Flapjacks

The Washington Post says President Obama is headed north to meet with the Kanucki ringleader, Prime Minister Stephen Harper.

This is the first trip to a foreign land for our new executive. The roads will be scary, the dialect will be nearly unintelligible, and the climate will be frightful. Thankfully, Obama will have translators and Canadian Sherpas there to guide his every step.

But with the eyes of the world watching our historic president diplomating on foreign soil, it will be important to put a powerful foot forward. Many aides are suggesting that Obama walk right past Harper and punch the biggest bodyguard he can find right in the neck.

Actually, Obama aides say that the majority of the discussion will be about assuring trades and general good relations with the Maple Nation. Within the encyclopedia of pages within the stimulus bill, provisions and possible tax exemptions will be made to companies that "Buy American," helping to boost revenue and the economy. Apparently, Canada didn't appreciate such a clause, saying that it would hurt the trade relations between the U.S. and them.

What we actually trade with them that isn't already ours, they didn't say, but the price of Labatt Blue and Canadian Bacon pizzas, even the ones with pineapple, have skyrocketed in the past few days following the passing of the stimulus by Congress.

Anyway, that's where Obama is today, and let's hope Obama can do some good work, because let's face it: We need Canada as much as they need u-...sorry, I couldn't say that with a straight face.

R & R: See You Monday, Folks

I'm taking some much needed R & R for an extended weekend in Sunny Chicago, IL...as opposed to the other Chicago.

The low is supposed to be -236 degrees and the high, so says Weather.com, is going to near -112 degrees. I've been investing heavily in long johns and beards as to battle the chilling cold; we'll see how I fare.

Anywho, I'll be back to my regular posting on Monday, and who knows what that may bring. Maybe I'll go to the Capitol and bait recently-smoking-stomping Rep. Gaskill with the ole cigarette on a string gag. Maybe I'll write nasty notes from Sanders to Brummett and vice versa, and watch as hilarity ensues.

What with all of the rest and relaxation I'll be having, I'm sure to think of something good.

Sen. Pryor: The Magic Number is $789 Billion

I had a chance to speak with Sen. Mark Pryor, D-Arkansas, this morning in a telephone conference call with other media folk, and Pryor said that he had some breaking news on the Stimulus & Recovery Package or the Spend & Swindle Package, whichever way you're taking it now.

Pryor says that the magic number the Senate and House hope to agree upon in an upcoming special committee prior to its re-vote in the House is $789 billion.

Pryor also said that in the Senate, Democrats reached across the aisle and made bipartisan amendments to slim what he said was at one time in the $900 billion range on the stimulus, and that he supported the bill following the addition of said amendment.

"We decided to make some cuts that ultimately focused more on job creation and recovery," said Pryor (which is kind of funny, because I thought that's what the entirety of the bill was supposed to be focused on — woe to me and my boundless ineptitude).

The special joint committee between the House and the Senate is expected, so says Pryor, to try to work out the disparity between the House and the Senate bills, which is in fact the same bill, down to $789 billion.

I'm reading around and many are saying that the bill is supposed to be much higher, with the Senate bill being around $838 and the House version around $820, and you'd think it'd be in that ball park, but Pryor said otherwise, straight from the horse's mouth.

He said that this is an ear-mark free bill and isn't like the New Deal, full of government handouts. Rather, it will be mostly handled by the private sector. Whether or not he's talking about the same private sector that tanked on Obama's ole buddy Geithner yesterday wasn't discussed in the phone call. Let's keep em crossed that there's another one he was talking about.

Pryor also said that he was "optimistic" about the bill passing in the House, and said that Democrats were going to try harder than ever to get at least a little more than zero Republican votes on the bill in the House. The Senate stimulus got three whole unnecessary Republican nods from Senatoritas Susan Collins of Maine, Olympia Snowe also of Maine and Senator Arlen "Not Related to the Murderer Phil" Spector of Pennsylvania, likely ruining his shot at renomination in his own primary but receiving a nice pat on the back from across the aisle.

The special joint committee includes Senators Cochran, R-MS, Grassley, R-IA, Reid, D-NV, Baucus, D-MT, and Inoyue, D-HI, while the House is bringing Obey, D-WI, Rangel, D-NY, and Waxman, D-CA. If Democrats are really pumped up about bipartisanship and getting this thing passed amicably in the House, they might've started by including some on this joint whittling discussion, don't you think?

Locally, Arkansas is sitting pretty if the stimulus bill passes, Pryor said.

The Senator said that the Natural State is slated to receive $360 million for "shovel ready" projects. Pryor said that "shovel ready" didn't mean that a shovel was necessarily involved and that I was just being silly, but rather it meant that it's a project due to start in the next 180 days at most, with some beginning even 60 and 90 days from now.

"Arkansas currently has $1.1 billion scheduled in projects in the next 180 days," Pryor said. "People may complain 'We're only getting $360 million,' but there's a third of those projects taken care of instantly."

Obama is wanting to sign this deal by the end of the week, and his proposal knew very little bounds. Despite how these Republicans might struggle or how these Democrats might genuinely want and amicable resolution, the Democrats have more firepower and are lead by a guy who wants nothing more than to get this thing rocking and rolling on all cylinders ASAP. Like it or not, it's coming.

Of course, hindsight is 20/20. I look forward to seeing if this will be labeled as noble expedience or stubborn hastiness.

UPDATE: Just remember you heard it here first.

CelebRighties?! Omigah!

Normally — and I don't think this piece is an exception — I loathe celebrity news.

I mean I really hate it. Down to my very core. The Hollywood Gossip Mill does nothing for me. I don't care if Jennifer Aniston screws a beagle and that beagle learns to talk and spills the beans on what REALLY happened in the Pitt/Aniston household. It doesn't matter. She's hot and my shameful insecurities will not allow me to elaborate on the aesthetic qualities of Brad Pitt, but I hear he's quite the looker.

But I found this link, sent to me by our UFW Agent in Washington (UFWAW), to be of a higher caliber than just mere celebrity hogwash, and it actually relates to a book-topic I'll be proposing in the Spring (more on that story as it develops and surely dies a terrible, embarrassing death). The topic is the impact of entertainers (comedians, specifically) on the objectivity — or lack thereof — in contemporary media.

Naturally, the exception rather than the rule would be the ever-rare Conservative Celebrity. This article shows (and apparently updates) a wide array of conservative celebrities; some who you might expect and others you may just be baffled by.

Now these excerpts under the monikers don't distinguish between conservative and Republican, although many might object to that misnomer, but for these exercises, I think the point remains valid; conservative or GOP-advocate, the headliners are few and far between. Further dissection is prudent:

Expected Honkies

Now, you can expect there to be some people on this list. If the stereotype "All conservatives care about are rich people," is fulfilled, then certainly many of these celebrities would fall under the category. But there are a few names that don't shock anyone.

Clint Eastwood and Charlton Heston spearhead this Light Brigade. Heston was the face of the NRA, and still is even from the grave, and amid rumors of Eastwood perhaps going soft on the Left, he put out Gran Torino, which is Eastwood going righteous on some Asian-American gangsters with a slew of racial epithets that I didn't even know existed.

You've also got your high-brow honkies like Kelsey Grammer and Ben Stein, who add a hint of sophistication, and in the case of Grammer, a dizzying level of obscurity. Ben Stein is actually very popular in most circles, except for scientists, of course.

Then there's the garrulous Dennis Miller and the horn-rimmed Price is Right host Drew Carey. And one can't forget the washed up Italian folks, Tony Danza and Scott Baio.

One can also assume the entirety of the country music genre, because to do otherwise is career suicide. RE: Dixie Chicks. Enough said, although I will add that there was a collective sigh of relief from mainstream Americans everywhere, giving them the final reason to never want to listen to the Dixie Chicks ever again. Super-honky and Left Behind actor Kirk Cameron also goes on this list of people nobody cares about, but for actors.

But no one was surprised by these names on the list. The next few names are a few from the list, but just a few of the more noteworthy names.

Hurts the Program

These are a few names that maybe the GOP could stand to do without.

Kid Rock - Now the excerpt only says that Kid Rock is a registered Republican, but I think it's safe to say that this guy fits the trampled-upon Republican mold of Ignorant-Racist-Votes-for-Whitey. Everything this guy has touched is destroyed violently, just look at Vanilla Ice, who Rock emulated in his early days. The Right would do well to steer clear of this wife-beater-wearing collection of hair grease and ambiguously vulgar tats.

Jessica Simpson - Remember that bit about "everything they touch is destroyed violently?" Ditto on this lady. As fabulous as she was in the dialogue-limited role of Daisy Dukes in the Dukes of Hazzard re-barf, as well as subsequent Direct TV ads, but since then, nothing remarkable other than apparent weight-gain and the ruining of a Super Bowl-caliber squad of gentlemen known as the Dallas Cowboys. George W. Bush approves based on her ability to raise his relative rank in total GOP intelligence. Britney Spears also falls under this White-Trash-Bash scattegory.

Mel Gibson - Just in case racism isn't a big enough stigma in the Republican ranks, just to round the bases and even everything out, they grab a guy who hates Jews! Score! Braveheart did rule though.

Meatloaf - This one is a toss-up. Depending on which decade you're looking at, Meatloaf could be a beast of burden or a welcome guest to your party. My proclivities toward the movie Fight Club and the song "I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)" prohibit me from completely throwing the Loaf under the bus. But those cell phone commercials suck.

Helps the Program

Now these are guys you want on your side, and the GOP is thankful for their presence, while they may not like their music.

Karl Malone - Color me confused on this one, but hey, nobody's going to turn down the Mailman. I might chalk this up to a Charles-Barkely-esque move, where he goes Republican in step with wanting to protect his dozens and dozens of dollars. However, it cannot be said that Malone is Barkley-crazy. To do so would be folly, to borrow a line.

James Earl Jones - Darth Vader! You can't get any darker than the Dark Lord of the Sith, and he's an ardent Republican? Talk about the exception rather than the rule, and not in a racist way. Also, I don't mean to neglect Jones' sterling career in such films as The Sandlot, The Hunt for Red October, and The Lion King, but Star Wars trumps all.

LL Cool J - Not only did Cool James vote Republican, but he spoke at the 2004 Republican National Convention. But sure you could kind of see it; the relatively clean-rap lyrics, the movies like S.W.A.T. where he positively portrays police officers, the MTV Unplugged appearence, it's not too broad of a jump, albeit an unexpected one. Not like...

50 Cent - Curtis? Jackson? While many on the Left may think "Get Rich or Die Tryin'" is indeed a Republican slogan, none could have imagined that it was in fact the slogan of a Republican. CBS' excerpt says it all. Fiddy claimed: "I actually like Bush. In some ways, I'm the George W. Bush of hip hop — nobody likes me but I'm still gonna run it for the next four years."

Now you may have noticed a trend in the first four members of this group. That's because there was one! Gold star for you. An Africa-American presence definitely helps the image of the GOP, and it's my belief that until they can garner genuine support in larger numbers from that community, it will continue to hemorrhage as it clearly did in the 2006 and 2008 elections. Just my two cents. Sorry Fiddy.

Adam Sandler also helps the program, but his loyalty is certainly in question after the absence of his boy Rudy Giuliani from the political arena.

Supplexes the Program

(over the roar of System of a Down's "B.Y.O.B." and Monster Trucks)
SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SUNDAY! Come one! Come all and prepare to be SLAMMED! by the line-up of professional WRESTLERS and professional FIGHTERS and professional SNAKE HANDLERS who are making all of their unlikeminded political opponents their biggity BIAHHHH! Sponsored by Red Bull (TM), Mt. Dew (c), and nubitty-nine-oh-two, THE SCOURGE, your source for hit death metal music!

And kids seats are still just FIVE BUCKS!!!

The Rock - Someone with a name like Dwayne Johnson voting Republican is unremarkable at best. But The Rock going right is pretty nifty, not necessarily because the Rock was a wrestler, but because Johnson played football at Miami in So. Florida (ewww). I figured the U to harbor more of a liberal attitude while harboring their criminal minions. Even their classy athletes like Marvin Harrison can't go through a career without shooting someone at least once. I plead the fif.

Chuck Norris - Now this is a move that doesn't shock me one bit. Because if the mustache didn't give it away, the political stereotype will: Chuck Norris hates change. Norris was the only credible (?) supporter of former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee's Presidential Run's infant days. Just a big enough splash to warrant a couple of round house kicks to the-... okay, enough with the Chuck Norris jokes. They've been done before. Over. And over. And over again.

Coach Mike Ditka - Who would win in a legal battle? Ditka or SENATOR DITKA? That's right, the Hercules of Hurt is a GOP'er and a zealot at that. Now for some serious political discourse: Ditka very nearly challenged then-challenger Barack Obama for the the vacant Senate seat in 2004, but chose not to run. As Ahnold showed us in 2004, celebrity does carry with it a certain level of clout, and it's not out of the question to say that Ditka might've won handily, leaving Barack Obama to his own devices. Ditka's decision actually affected the events that lead to the first African-American President. Did that blow your mind?

Promotes the Supplex of the Program

Don King - Thank you, God! The most spectacular, most splendiforous, most spectoutrageous fight promoter since Lucifer tempted Christ in the desert, Don King and Don King's hair are both registered Republicans. As UFWAW put it, "It is awesome; Don King and John McCain have two things in common. They are both republicans and both killed men in the 60s." UFWAW was likely guffawing with high-ranking Senators as this was being discussed (no, seriously, I didn't make this informant up).

I feel like this can't be true, Don King is just too high/dumb to know the difference between political parties. Or maybe he's just outsmarting everyone by brilliantly feigning mildly flamboyant retardation. Anyway, file this under the "I Don't Know What to Make of Such an Anomaly" category.

Saves the Program

WAYNE NEWTON!!!
OmigahOmigahOmigahOmigahOmigah!